rant ...

im tired of being the invisible girl ... i hate it ...

so this is what rejection feels like...

I don't know where to start... i went to the club .. saw a fore mentioned hot guy... we'll call him "sexy L" cause that what he is ... i asked a waitress if he was single ... she said yes .. but he doesn't come with recommendations cause she doesn't really know.. so she sent him over to me...
and he asked me why i asked for him ..so i had to explain the situation...

she the waitress asked me what i wanted to drink ... i said i wanted sexy L to drink... to which he replied quite nicely .. i don't think i will fit in a glass ... then disappeared ... he was very busy ... sigh .. so this is what rejection feels like ... i don't like it ... and then shortly after that bbg... comes strolling in with a group of friends .. waves hello, hugs me, kisses both of my cheeks and asks me how my Christmas was ... and of course i played it off like it was fine .. and whatever .. but I'm lonely .. and i just want to feel special to someone i find attractive.. and I'm certain its just not happening for me right now .. i know I'm supposed to let things go .. and let love find me but i feel as though that's not the case at all ... i don't want to be alone forever because i just gave up ... under the idea that I'm letting love find me.

it took alot for me to approach him... I'm heartbroken and crushed ... I am not a happy camper.

today's questions...

These are the questions i have asked myself today... looking for the answers.

What is the secret to success & happiness ?
How is it that i could have a love triangle a few months ago and now be so alone ?
Why do we hold onto feelings and yet still remain rational ?

I did something really really stupid ...

I emailed this hot guy i have a crush on ... via face book .. i sent this to him now i feel like a total idiot: Hey sexy, You look familiar where do i know you from. You showed up in the people i may know list.   ... and stalker because i'm going to his club tomorrow. OMG... i feel like such an idiot ....

On a different note:
I tried quantum jumping today ... talked to my doppelganger self who was beautiful and successful I asked her what the secret was, she told me: "let go & stop trying so hard and love will find me" I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean but I guess I do try too hard at everything, and I over think everything and stress about things not being perfect .. but I am not happy with where I am right now, and I need things to move forward but they just seem like I'm swimming in quick sand with all of my goals... so far the only one I made progress with is losing some weight... and even that is kinda ridiculous I've only lost 20lbs I was hoping for 10 lbs a month ... :-(

I'm feeling a bit weirded out by the whole look within ones self for the answers but I guess letting go is the best way to start.

Passion Fruit. 

the gym ...

Oh God !... now I have some hatian drug dealer (presumed) trying to be my friend... this dude always stares at me while I'm working out... gives me the creeps ... he comes up to me while im working quads and hamstrings and is like " I like your style, whats your name I don't see you out " to which i reply Passion, nice to meet you, and i dont go out....  really ?
Man what the fuck kind of vibes am i giving off ? I had my hoodie on, my headphones in and I was singing to myself in the corner ... what part of that says come bother me? ... I wish the sexy guy and his friends were at the gym .. that would keep them occupied instead of watching me... the last thing I need in mylife is more drama... why can't a legit business man who is also single and white hit on me ? I do not need criminals in my life.

hmm bbg..

I have been avoiding going anywhere I might see him... Its always awkward when you see someone you had a one night stand with... plus its like omg what is he gonna think of me ? I blew him on the beach and fucked him in the back of my mum's car... I want to delete his number out of my phone ... but I don't know if I should or not I might need him for more sex ...

You asked about bbg...

What he looks like: his face is gorgeous high cheek bones soft brown eyes with eyelashes that make you want to kiss them, he could totally model, never mind his sexy British accent & rough hands (he's in construction)body wise he is skinny, that muscular skinny where you you can feel every muscle twitch kind of muscular skinny, I'm certain i weigh more than him...lol but who cares with a cock like that...

body like this :

Christmas ...

So I totally wasn't expecting anything for Christmas this year because; my two best friends are broke, I don't have a sugar daddy, i don't have a boyfriend, and things are kind of tough this year for my family.
Token lesbo (who is also Jeff's daughter) sends me an email with a picture attached; and it says Merry Christmas from us, cause you took care of us so well. its $200.00 deposited to my debit card for me to get myself something for Christmas. I've been weeping all day because it was the last thing i ever expected... which means she left on the 9th, it was deposited on the 16th so... Jeff was the one who did it. Its just one of those things where I'm confused but grateful all at the same time.. because its been a really hard time for me financially and i don't know how to say thank you because i still kind of hate him a little bit for wasting 4 years of my life... he sent me an email apologizing for what went wrong in our relationship and taking some of the blame, I don't understand why he did it but i have a funny feeling he is getting serious with the other woman and wants closure so he can move her into his house.. i don't know.. but its just a guess. I sent him a quick thank you email because i really didn't want to think about any of it anymore, but i asked him to let me know when my passion fruits are ripe; as that is the only thing i couldn't take with me as the flowers and fruit had already set and it kept me there so long. In a way it kind of was my baby and it symbolized me growing as a person within the relationship, branching out trying to find the sun despite the obstacles i had holding me back.  
My immediate boss at work gave me a gift certificate for $60.00 which is awesome because the purse i want is $55.00 plus if i add another 5... i can get 2 bags... one for work and one for going out. 

I am so thankful for the thoughtful people in my life, its $260 I didn't have to get the things I wanted.

Passion Fruit

progress at the gym...

So i have been hitting the gym extra hard these past couple weeks, I'm getting smaller i think .. i don't know i need a measuring tape, and a scale, my pants are all getting bigger so it must mean something.. my boobs don't seem to be shrinking but that's fine .. as long as my thighs start to shrink and my butt lifts .. I'm happy i want to look fucking ridiculously awesome in a bikini come swimsuit season. Like i want to look sexy but damn i didn't know her body was that good sexy...

So far i have lost 20lbs for 2011 ☺ i still have more work to do. but its a start.

BTW... the hot guy at the gym is back but he works out at weird times ... he's still sexy, I'm just not that into him now that i got laid. I guess that's a good thing.

Passion Fruit

Just busy....

Sorry I have not been blogging life has grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me around with it, and I haven't had the energy or inspiration to write.
So...... let me update you with what has been going on in my life.. my friends have taken pity on me in my newly single state and have been looking for nice but naughty young men to set me up with, I'm kind of excited about getting back into dating since the pool here is so shallow I'm grabbing at whatever i can. Kiev my besty with testes says he has a really hot guy to introduce me to on Saturday. the first question out of my mouth was; Is he gay.. ? & he better be hot!.. anyway i checked his ass out on face book ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA he is fucking sexy ! I wanna bite him. I'm gonna have to wait until Saturday to bring out my naughty but sweet side.

My BFF... the lesbo.. found lumps in her breast went to the Doctor to have em checked out and now shes having the lumps removed and getting them checked for cancer... she just had cysts remover from around her ovaries last year.. I don't know.. there's only so much crap a person can take when it comes to their body. I'm her best friend and I'm stressing out because i know shes stressing and everyone is on edge.. but we already have it planned that if she has to have her breasts removed she getting awesome implants and i get to feel them up as much as i want.

Passion fruit.

bbg on the mind

Now I can't stop thinking about the beach bar guy... and his delicious cock ... OMG... I hadn't realised that one could get addicted to dick ... I guess if it good dick sure why not ...
I found myself daydreaming of riding his cock... feeling him fill me up and feeling like my pussy is stretched to the limit, and yet I'm sore two days later and it hurts so good. I found bruises on my knees and though they hurt I smile; cause I know how I got them. I keep hearing him say to me "you're a naughty girl aren't you" or "where did you learn to suck cock like that from?" ... and I smile cause I told him he doesn't want to know.
Its weird ... If I were in a different state of mind I would want to date him because hes so nice and gentlemanly... but unfortunately I showed him my very unladylike side.. and its highly unlikely that casual sex on the beach would result into a relationship... sigh ... if I had cock like that on a regular I would be a very happy skinny well fucked woman.

Last night was amazing...

OK.. so last night i felt kinda off, was feeling sad, and lonely.. felt rejected..i dunno i was in a weird mindset.. decided to take a walk and saw my guy friend we'll call him "black pua"..cause that's what he is and his friend the guy from the beach bar.. whom i ignored because i felt like he brushed me off... anyway black pua introduced me to his other friend Jayson ... Jayson body like an Adonis strawberry blond hair soft blue eyes that stripped you naked and fucked you good and hard in 2 seconds, he was very friendly. so anyway told my buddy black pua i was at work .. and would be getting off at midnight .. and he was like oh ok were gonna be at the club so i said sure no problem... flashed a big smile and said see y'all after 12. Midnight took forever to come .. Denise a lady from work talked my head off about the way Jeff acting was indicative of him cheating and wanting the relationship to end... Anyway ... so midnight hits i go get my sis from work .. go home change, got all perfumed up "sexual secret" to get me in the mood ... and went to the club.  walked in the door & saw my friend black pua, his friend Jayson, and his other friend "beach bar guy" whom i wasn't too pleased with but i sat next to him anyway & we made nice because he apologised that he didn't know who was calling his phone and he doesn't answer private calls.. plus i didn't give him my number. true .. but he didn't ask for it either .. anyway he has it now.. whatever .. we had drinks i had a massive red bull and vodka .. anyway the music wasn't the best so we called it a night and i asked beach bar guy to walk me to my car...we jumped in and he asked me where did i live on the island.. so i said right around the corner, I'll show you so i took him to see my cute little house.. and he started rubbing on my leg ... his hands were so rough they felt amazing through my jeans omg ... i soaked through my jeans... when we came to a stop sign he leaned over and kissed me ... I'm gonna die cause he is hands down the best kisser ever ! I ran my hands over his crotch thought OK hes average sized... but bigger than Jeff... so jackpot... needless to say i told him we needed to go somewhere so i don't crash the car because all of his touching and rubbing and feeling is driving me crazy... so i took him to the beach.. showed him my boobs which made him drool and kiss and lick and suck massage i totally enjoyed the attention... then i made him sit on a rock while i blew his mind with my awesome tongue skills.... when he pulled his cock out i had to blink a few times to make sure i wasn't drunk, or hallucinating. HIS WANG IS HUGE ! its 2.5 times bigger than Jeff's ... and thick like a can of air freshener with a smaller head than the base, thank goodness for that cause if not it would have been hard to get it all in... i deep throated him on the beach.. teased it licked it sucked it worshipped it and treated it like it was the best thing i ever ate. lol... it kinda was this week .. brought him to the edge a few times.. and kept saying to him i don't know how I'm gonna take all of him .. which made him get even harder.. it was like fucking cement that's how hard it was .. and he smelled so good ...he suggested we go back to the car to see if i wanted to try his huge Wang... i shyly said yes ... it was a tight fit, filled me right up to my cervix... i rode that cock like a pony, he gave and i took.. in the backseat of my car .. then he made me lay down on the seat while he fucked me like i owed him money, I CAME TWICE ... i almost cried ... i had never ever in my lifetime had an orgasm from just cock and pussy sex without the use of toys... it was amazing ... and he kept asking if i was alright how sweet .. i cant wait to fuck him again..

the human touch...

It's so weird i hadn't thought of kissing someone until today, Wednesday token lesbian and I went to a beach club to hangout.. and I saw a really cute guy there I might want to hook up with.. OK I wanted to fuck him. I barely looked at him but I wanted him .. and maybe 3 other guys there too but that's not the point. I didn't think of him in terms of maybe going on a date or anything like that. just pure sex ... My friends are telling me i need rebound sex, I know I need some sort of sex ... and at this point I'm tired of my vibrator and watching porn ... I need a human touch...

Today is Jeff's birthday ..

Funny how I'm the one that broke off the relationship yet i am having all of these feelings. I tried to mask them with happiness but i haven't admitted to myself that i am hurting because all of the things i wanted to do with him that he refused to do with me he is now doing with her. It does hurt. I loved him and resented him all at once. I refuse to be a bitter bitch. Why would he profess his undying love for me then turn around 10days later and go fuck her ? I honestly understand how his ex wife feels i am starting to hate him because my feelings were cast aside as if the 4years we were together didn't matter only because he wanted to keep his cock wet.  i have to keep telling myself its not me its him because i keep asking myself what did i do wrong other than feel my emotions and reached my limit for the amount of fighting and emotional abuse.
this is the same man who told me i was fat, yet this bitch is bigger than me.


I have to constantly remind myself that I deserve a man who treats me with respect. How does one rebuild after an emotionally abusive relationship ? How the fuck am i having intelligent coherent thoughts that make sense about what I'm going through yet cannot emotionally detach from this relationship ? why haven't i gotten laid yet ? I know i learn something new from every relationship Ive been in but honestly this is a lesson in what not to put up with from a partner, when to leave and when to say fuck off.  

Whats next ? killing myself on the treadmill and the weights tomorrow so my muscles scream while i cant. Now my motivation is don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me.

Operation G.P.L

G.P.L. = Get Passion Laid ... lol .... I haven't had sex since Jeff and I broke up, and before that maybe 3 days before that... Its not like I'm not looking ... i kind of am, and i kind of am not ... i was supposed to screw this guy who flew into town on business, but i think we both were too busy ... on top of that i had just had my tooth pulled out so that kind of didn't help because i felt like i looked hideous. i wasn't eating .. might have been the medication plus the depression i felt.. top all of that off with stress and my period shows up... so even if i wanted to i couldn't ... kind of  but not really..

So operation G.P.L. is on hold till i find a willing and able and available partner.

I wish i could do this and get it over with so i could get him out of my system but ... its taking too long.

feeling all these feelings...

I hate feeling all of this conflicting garbage called emotions... i don't like it at all... I saw Jeff tonight. Token lesbian who is Jeff's daughter came by my job after they had dinner together to say hello and he lagged behind while we chatted about her week .. i spoke with his cousin who lives with him too... its fair to say they miss me, I miss them too, but i was so unhappy with him  i think i would have killed myself. he doesn't look good at all his hair looks a mess, he looks as though hes put on weight ... he doesn't look as though hes taking care of himself... i guess its not my problem anymore.. its so hard to shut off feelings and emotions after taking care of someone for so long.