Operation G.P.L

G.P.L. = Get Passion Laid ... lol .... I haven't had sex since Jeff and I broke up, and before that maybe 3 days before that... Its not like I'm not looking ... i kind of am, and i kind of am not ... i was supposed to screw this guy who flew into town on business, but i think we both were too busy ... on top of that i had just had my tooth pulled out so that kind of didn't help because i felt like i looked hideous. i wasn't eating .. might have been the medication plus the depression i felt.. top all of that off with stress and my period shows up... so even if i wanted to i couldn't ... kind of  but not really..

So operation G.P.L. is on hold till i find a willing and able and available partner.

I wish i could do this and get it over with so i could get him out of my system but ... its taking too long.

Jeff called this morning...

Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...

Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

I must be growing up...

Today while skimming through a customer service group on Facebook, I saw someone I might know in the people you might know column; we will call her Jenny*.  Being the nosey person that I am, I clicked onto her facebook page to see if she had left her pics open, there were only a few open and I checked them out. The pics were of her & her husband we will call him Wilson* and their baby girl.
Wilson and I used to date; the story he told me was that he and Jenny had broken up because she had a miscarriage and couldnt cope with the loss. The gossip surrounding her misscarriage was that she had an abortion because she was fucking a black guy on the side and had gotten pregnant but didn't know who her baby's daddy was and she didnt want to risk losing Wilson if her baby was born black & not mixed race, either way she was upset about not having the baby. Sooooo while I was supposed to be be dating Wilson she saw us out together and I guess came to her senses and decided she wanted him back. i don't know why ? i'll never know why ...but anyway my birthday was coming up and Wilson had asked me what it was I wanted, and I told him I wanted a mercedes and he agreed to buy me one for my birthday and told me to look for one, so I did. Things were going well enough with the relationship, or so I thought he being a busy expat exec and me being the cute black girl working shifts, then he says he going on a business trip, which is fine for his job. while he's away I left him cute voice mails saying how I missed him and couldnt wait for him to be back blah blah blah.  i will never ever do that shit again... even if i miss a guy i wouldnt its just stupid and they dont appreciate it. While he is supposed to be away on business my sister and cousin decide we are going to go out for cocktails at the square... who should we see Wilson & Jenny all lovey dovey snatched up together, his best friend, and his neighbours who all know I was sleeping with him days before he was supposed to be away on business. The rage from the deepest pits of hell couldnt match how I felt, and I spat curse words at all of them for being so deceptive, especially Wilson & his now very proud housewife Jenny who was all upset and tried to fight me. I begged that bitch to throw the first blow... that bitch didnt have the balls and still doesn't. The people who work at the bar where all this drama happened still remember that epic almost fight.

I hated him for years afterward, I got really depressed and buried myself into my work.  I hated her even more because I wanted that damn mercedes I had picked out for my birthday, and i wanted that fantasy lifestyle and i felt as thought i had it until she came back on the scene. What made things so bad was I actually had feelings for this guy and he lied to me while I was thinking it might have worked. But it didnt so oh well. Needless to say it seems as though they are very happy with eachother and their new baby from the pictures they left open. Funny how I dont have the hatred for the two them that I had 6 years ago.This must be what it's like to mature... I must be growing up.