Jeff called this morning...

Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...

Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

Let's take a walk...

Last week was possibly the last time i would ever get to see James uninterrupted or unscheduled so i took him to the botanical gardens, I had only been there once as a child and he had never been there so it was a new experience for both of us. We walked around, his arm on my shoulder and mine around his hips; Yes that is how tall he is or how short i am. I love how he makes me feel like so small and tiny and he's just there to take care of things. I dunno .. its just how i feel when I'm with him like i just want to be wrapped up in his arms because they keep me safe and i feel safe in his arms.

During our walk we discussed our relationship...or whatever it is ... I call him my undercover lover, which he doesn't really like but i broke up with my boyfriend before to be with him and his mind was clearly on someone else, then when i got back with my boyfriend he wants me all to himself. .. I dunno ... i love him to pieces but he's doing an open relationship thing with some other chicks in France, new york, and only god knows where so i don't see me being number 1 in his life just yet, and then on top of that hes busy trying to be a doctor.
I had always thought i was going to be lonely for the rest of my life.. just a miserable spinster going to work and filling her time with charities etc..
NOW... Jeff - the boyfriend has returned from his business trip and will be gone again by tonight for another week ... is just super affectionate now. I guess maybe Ive been a bit cold but i think I'm just being with him the way he used to be with me. I gave him my all for 4 years and then i left him because i felt like it wasn't going anywhere, then all of a sudden he's like i was going to ask you to marry me after my divorce is final. 
I don't know if i want to marry him anymore, there's no spark, no butterflies, i don't have any libido with him. I just don't know.
So... I hope whomever is reading about my life is having a better day right now than how I'm feeling.