blah .. is how i'm feeling .

My mood is all over the place ... I've got gym in the morning.. and all this unspoken sexual tension is driving me crazy.  I need a good run to clear my head. I also need to grab a paper tomorrow and seriously look for a car... this no transportation thing is getting on my nerves & I need a car before token lesbian leaves.
Tomorrow I am just going to pretend the sexy man doesn't exist.... I am going to ignore my feelings because they only cause me heartache... I wish it could be more... but I cant put my self out there anymore. I feel so much sadness & pain & I really don't understand where its all coming from but I think its best I pull a hoodie out .. plug in my headphones and just zone out like I should have been doing for the past few months.

Passion fruit

sad...

hmm ...

So !  The sexy man was at the gym again this morning... and of course I get eyeballed in the parking lot, ignored when he walks into the gym. I'm doing my walk on the treadmill cause I'm wearing my slutty bra cant have my twins bouncing for everyone to see... but they did look full and round and inviting. so fast forward through my workout we (the girls ms. bestie & token lesbian) giggle our way through the entire workout in between sighs, and gasps, and thanks to God for making such a sexy body. Then  he asks token lesbian if she is using the machine .. to which I am 2 machines over ... he bends over in front of me to pull the pin out of the weight stack and looks at me between his legs .... and of course I'm sitting on my machine mouth open eyes all over his ass and we make eye contact again... I think he is fucking with me ... needless to say there is some serious sexual tension going on ... He has a really nice butt by the way !

Passion fruit

horny ...  

ughhhh !

I am not dressing up for Halloween, maybe next year or something. This should have been an awesome Halloween but i am still with Jeff. Fucking no social life! I feel trapped ... I want to leave but living with my mother and sister and her husband is a headache I don't want. plus I have no car so it makes it worse.... I am sick of this, sick of this relationship, sick of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I need a change like now!

Passion fruit

Hopefully I'll be single soon & driving my own car.

I spoke to him again

Let me start with ... OMG !!!! He has the most gorgeous grey eyes I have ever seen. I could feel myself getting horny just staring into his eyes as he spoke to me never breaking eye contact, and I barely heard a word he said. I asked him: "What's the difference between wearing straps versus wearing gloves for lifting." He is well spoken, and educated, can form sentences in perfect paragraph form, doesn't use "ah" or "um" he just got even sexier after that... so now I have to ask him his name and if he is single.

Today at the gym I totally embarrassed myself; I had jumped out of the car got completely flustered, saw him in all of his sexiness, threw my keys over my shoulder, started to untangle my headphones while walking in and listening to his almost quiet footsteps behind me, went to swipe my card to get in and I panic for a split second thinking "FUCK !!! I locked the keys in the car again" only to spin around and feel the weight of my keys on my shoulder, so I grab them swipe in and he's giggling behind me. Could the floor open up and swallow me ? I was way too embarrassed to chit chat with him today after that & I felt really fat and unshapely and all around not sexy so I hid on the treadmill the whole time he was at the gym. However his friend (we will call him Mr. Friendly) who is also gorgeous with a great body waved hello & came bounding up to ask me if a hurricane was headed our way... Too bad I couldn't tell him I was too busy staring at the sexy man (SWAT) instead of watching a hurricane advisory..lol. I'm so stupid though, I should have asked his friend if he was married.

Passion fruit

p.s. feeling a little better now that i have some makeup, and some figure flattering clothes on

... I'm terrified of rejection

I have the gym in the morning ... I'm kind of excited and kind of nervous... because of how I sped out of the parking lot last Thursday ...I'm such a spaz ... I'm so socially awkward its ridiculous and unecessary, and apparently the trifling hoe that was trying to get with Jeff at the fundraiser .. is also trying to hit on the hot guy at the gym too ... WTF!
I'm feeling weird about that because I am just selfish...
I think I should ask him his name tomorrow, or walk up to him and tell him how I really feel or just ask him if he has a wife ...

The stupid part is I feel like a bored unhappy house wife cause I'm so fixated on this guy .. who has only smiled and eyeballed me for the past couple months and only just recently spoken to me. He is gorgeous though. I am nervous about working out tomorrow ...  cause all I do is run away because of my fear of rejection.

I finally spoke to him ..

Soooo I went to gym this morning, like i do every morning except sat & sun... getting my fitness on, enjoying the burn, feeling good, dressed like a bum! I was wearing an over sized dive t-shirt, gym pants and my head scarf looking very unshapely and bum like.
 Then my best friend says " hey Passion, come here & help me with this" and points to the other side of the gym,and there he was in all his sexiness arms holding on to the lat pull down machine looking like a underwear model.
 I had a heart attack and an orgasm all at once ... needless to say that was the end of my workout. My meddling bestie who thought today was a good day for me to get kicked into the deep end decided she wanted to go workout on that side of the gym & pushed me to ask SWAT for his assistance with a machine that was too hard to adjust... panties soaking wet ... he was happy to help and seemed to jump for the opportunity... God ! I must sound like a creepy stalker ... but he was 6 inches away from my face and I wanted to lick him and taste his salty golden skin... needless to say i was extremely pissed with my bestie as she kept looking at me like the cat who ate the canary & drank the milk too, and of course i kept telling her she wasn't my best friend anymore.  OMG!!! I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I'm a dominant woman and i have never ever had any submissive inclinations or felt what i feel for someone who just until today only spoke a few words " excuse me, can you help us with this?" & "Thank you for helping" ... to which he replied with the most dazzling smile " No problem, Anytime!" ... needless to say by then i had soaked through my panties and could feel the moisture on my thighs as i floated out of the gym with ms. bestie.  So like women we stood in the parking lot discussing how surreal it was for her to witness the stare downs and eye raping, i pointed out his car and we were discussing him quite loudly and didn't realise he had walked out of the gym... to which i quickly said to ms. bestie "I gotta go" jumped in the minivan and hauled ass out of there like i was the driver for a get away car.
Fast forward to me getting home, and Jeff is still sleeping its after 9:30am ...I'm horny as a mofo... go to the bathroom sit on the toilet look out the window .... and see SWAT driving by... he turns around at the corner and speeds back in the direction he came. WTF ??? OMG !!! ... ever so slightly turned on ... no i lie ... i am way turned on by that.  

damn wagon ... bumpy rides...

So recently i tried to jump back on the sugar daddy wagon... its really disheartening to know that men are so shallow ... i really don't want to come off as a bitter bitch or anything but Guys COME ON! really ? why picture collect if you have no interest whatsoever ? the latest guy to do this is a financial consultant with a legit business... i put in my profile I AM NOT SKINNY i have big boobs and a big ass with a well defined waist ... these mother fuckers clearly think I'm some video vixen i guess and want to collect pics ... so as soon as i send my pics he disappears offline no contact no response nothing... like really wtf .. YOU SENT ME AN EMAIL FIRST !

to veer off topic i have met some really nice OLDER ( 50+) gentlemen on sd.com who are very nice but i don't know.. we'll see there is this one guy I'm chatting with who is really nice ... so much a boob man.. claims he has big hands but i hope he has a big wallet cause momma needs so new shoes & a car & to buy some property... etc

to skirt around looking for pics to send i think its time i create an online persona face book page where its there and i can have professional pics up there .. for the photo hoarders to ogle at.



A pic like this for them to ogle ...



 but its too bad men have become blinded by photo shopped pics and the such. cause i think I'm awesome, and so do the guys at my gym.... now if only i werent so shy to talk to the hot guy .  

Oct 2003...

Every year as halloween approaches i remember the halloween i was a stripper for a day. Naive, young, barely holding on to an innocence i had lost the december prior; I had made the choice to take my clothes off for money. It wasnt spur of the moment, i thought i had no other option. In the weeks leading up to making that decision i had met with a few madames who didnt think i would have made a good call girl i guess it had everything againt me in that situation; because i had no car, no cell phone, no where to live really; because i was sleeping on a photographer's couch till i could find money. He was working a strip club pole work competition as their photographer to take pictures for their website, and i went along as his assistant. It was my first time in a strip club and i was so fascinated that these girls did so little and made so much money, and i guess my photographer friend just wanted me to hurry up make some cash so i could get off his couch, so he spoke to the guy managing the place and he told me i could start the next day. Thats how i became a stripper for a day.

why why why do i keep torturing myself?

I hope i have the confidence tomorrow to talk to him, if only to ask why he was looking at me the other day... and if he asks me why i was looking at him i can simply reply : look in the mirror! do you not see how incredibly sexy you are ? .... I dont understand why i am so stuck on this man.  either i talk to him or dont.

My pick up lines ...

Hi, i love your hair... one of these days I'd love to see it buried in my crotch. ( guy is bald with goatee )
How would your wife feel if she knew i undressed you with my eyes every day at the gym ?
I cant get enough of you grunting behind me.... while i work out my inner thighs.
While you were looking did you see my nipples harden ?
What's your name ?... so i can name my vibrator after you!

Passion Fruit...
I'm so very horny ...