rant ...

im tired of being the invisible girl ... i hate it ...

so this is what rejection feels like...

I don't know where to start... i went to the club .. saw a fore mentioned hot guy... we'll call him "sexy L" cause that what he is ... i asked a waitress if he was single ... she said yes .. but he doesn't come with recommendations cause she doesn't really know.. so she sent him over to me...
and he asked me why i asked for him ..so i had to explain the situation...

she the waitress asked me what i wanted to drink ... i said i wanted sexy L to drink... to which he replied quite nicely .. i don't think i will fit in a glass ... then disappeared ... he was very busy ... sigh .. so this is what rejection feels like ... i don't like it ... and then shortly after that bbg... comes strolling in with a group of friends .. waves hello, hugs me, kisses both of my cheeks and asks me how my Christmas was ... and of course i played it off like it was fine .. and whatever .. but I'm lonely .. and i just want to feel special to someone i find attractive.. and I'm certain its just not happening for me right now .. i know I'm supposed to let things go .. and let love find me but i feel as though that's not the case at all ... i don't want to be alone forever because i just gave up ... under the idea that I'm letting love find me.

it took alot for me to approach him... I'm heartbroken and crushed ... I am not a happy camper.

today's questions...

These are the questions i have asked myself today... looking for the answers.

What is the secret to success & happiness ?
How is it that i could have a love triangle a few months ago and now be so alone ?
Why do we hold onto feelings and yet still remain rational ?

I did something really really stupid ...

I emailed this hot guy i have a crush on ... via face book .. i sent this to him now i feel like a total idiot: Hey sexy, You look familiar where do i know you from. You showed up in the people i may know list.   ... and stalker because i'm going to his club tomorrow. OMG... i feel like such an idiot ....

On a different note:
I tried quantum jumping today ... talked to my doppelganger self who was beautiful and successful I asked her what the secret was, she told me: "let go & stop trying so hard and love will find me" I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean but I guess I do try too hard at everything, and I over think everything and stress about things not being perfect .. but I am not happy with where I am right now, and I need things to move forward but they just seem like I'm swimming in quick sand with all of my goals... so far the only one I made progress with is losing some weight... and even that is kinda ridiculous I've only lost 20lbs I was hoping for 10 lbs a month ... :-(

I'm feeling a bit weirded out by the whole look within ones self for the answers but I guess letting go is the best way to start.

Passion Fruit. 

the gym ...

Oh God !... now I have some hatian drug dealer (presumed) trying to be my friend... this dude always stares at me while I'm working out... gives me the creeps ... he comes up to me while im working quads and hamstrings and is like " I like your style, whats your name I don't see you out " to which i reply Passion, nice to meet you, and i dont go out....  really ?
Man what the fuck kind of vibes am i giving off ? I had my hoodie on, my headphones in and I was singing to myself in the corner ... what part of that says come bother me? ... I wish the sexy guy and his friends were at the gym .. that would keep them occupied instead of watching me... the last thing I need in mylife is more drama... why can't a legit business man who is also single and white hit on me ? I do not need criminals in my life.

hmm bbg..

I have been avoiding going anywhere I might see him... Its always awkward when you see someone you had a one night stand with... plus its like omg what is he gonna think of me ? I blew him on the beach and fucked him in the back of my mum's car... I want to delete his number out of my phone ... but I don't know if I should or not I might need him for more sex ...

You asked about bbg...

What he looks like: his face is gorgeous high cheek bones soft brown eyes with eyelashes that make you want to kiss them, he could totally model, never mind his sexy British accent & rough hands (he's in construction)body wise he is skinny, that muscular skinny where you you can feel every muscle twitch kind of muscular skinny, I'm certain i weigh more than him...lol but who cares with a cock like that...

body like this :

Christmas ...

So I totally wasn't expecting anything for Christmas this year because; my two best friends are broke, I don't have a sugar daddy, i don't have a boyfriend, and things are kind of tough this year for my family.
Token lesbo (who is also Jeff's daughter) sends me an email with a picture attached; and it says Merry Christmas from us, cause you took care of us so well. its $200.00 deposited to my debit card for me to get myself something for Christmas. I've been weeping all day because it was the last thing i ever expected... which means she left on the 9th, it was deposited on the 16th so... Jeff was the one who did it. Its just one of those things where I'm confused but grateful all at the same time.. because its been a really hard time for me financially and i don't know how to say thank you because i still kind of hate him a little bit for wasting 4 years of my life... he sent me an email apologizing for what went wrong in our relationship and taking some of the blame, I don't understand why he did it but i have a funny feeling he is getting serious with the other woman and wants closure so he can move her into his house.. i don't know.. but its just a guess. I sent him a quick thank you email because i really didn't want to think about any of it anymore, but i asked him to let me know when my passion fruits are ripe; as that is the only thing i couldn't take with me as the flowers and fruit had already set and it kept me there so long. In a way it kind of was my baby and it symbolized me growing as a person within the relationship, branching out trying to find the sun despite the obstacles i had holding me back.  
My immediate boss at work gave me a gift certificate for $60.00 which is awesome because the purse i want is $55.00 plus if i add another 5... i can get 2 bags... one for work and one for going out. 

I am so thankful for the thoughtful people in my life, its $260 I didn't have to get the things I wanted.

Passion Fruit

progress at the gym...

So i have been hitting the gym extra hard these past couple weeks, I'm getting smaller i think .. i don't know i need a measuring tape, and a scale, my pants are all getting bigger so it must mean something.. my boobs don't seem to be shrinking but that's fine .. as long as my thighs start to shrink and my butt lifts .. I'm happy i want to look fucking ridiculously awesome in a bikini come swimsuit season. Like i want to look sexy but damn i didn't know her body was that good sexy...

So far i have lost 20lbs for 2011 ☺ i still have more work to do. but its a start.

BTW... the hot guy at the gym is back but he works out at weird times ... he's still sexy, I'm just not that into him now that i got laid. I guess that's a good thing.

Passion Fruit

Just busy....

Sorry I have not been blogging life has grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me around with it, and I haven't had the energy or inspiration to write.
So...... let me update you with what has been going on in my life.. my friends have taken pity on me in my newly single state and have been looking for nice but naughty young men to set me up with, I'm kind of excited about getting back into dating since the pool here is so shallow I'm grabbing at whatever i can. Kiev my besty with testes says he has a really hot guy to introduce me to on Saturday. the first question out of my mouth was; Is he gay.. ? & he better be hot!.. anyway i checked his ass out on face book ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA he is fucking sexy ! I wanna bite him. I'm gonna have to wait until Saturday to bring out my naughty but sweet side.

My BFF... the lesbo.. found lumps in her breast went to the Doctor to have em checked out and now shes having the lumps removed and getting them checked for cancer... she just had cysts remover from around her ovaries last year.. I don't know.. there's only so much crap a person can take when it comes to their body. I'm her best friend and I'm stressing out because i know shes stressing and everyone is on edge.. but we already have it planned that if she has to have her breasts removed she getting awesome implants and i get to feel them up as much as i want.

Passion fruit.

bbg on the mind

Now I can't stop thinking about the beach bar guy... and his delicious cock ... OMG... I hadn't realised that one could get addicted to dick ... I guess if it good dick sure why not ...
I found myself daydreaming of riding his cock... feeling him fill me up and feeling like my pussy is stretched to the limit, and yet I'm sore two days later and it hurts so good. I found bruises on my knees and though they hurt I smile; cause I know how I got them. I keep hearing him say to me "you're a naughty girl aren't you" or "where did you learn to suck cock like that from?" ... and I smile cause I told him he doesn't want to know.
Its weird ... If I were in a different state of mind I would want to date him because hes so nice and gentlemanly... but unfortunately I showed him my very unladylike side.. and its highly unlikely that casual sex on the beach would result into a relationship... sigh ... if I had cock like that on a regular I would be a very happy skinny well fucked woman.

Last night was amazing...

OK.. so last night i felt kinda off, was feeling sad, and lonely.. felt rejected..i dunno i was in a weird mindset.. decided to take a walk and saw my guy friend we'll call him "black pua"..cause that's what he is and his friend the guy from the beach bar.. whom i ignored because i felt like he brushed me off... anyway black pua introduced me to his other friend Jayson ... Jayson body like an Adonis strawberry blond hair soft blue eyes that stripped you naked and fucked you good and hard in 2 seconds, he was very friendly. so anyway told my buddy black pua i was at work .. and would be getting off at midnight .. and he was like oh ok were gonna be at the club so i said sure no problem... flashed a big smile and said see y'all after 12. Midnight took forever to come .. Denise a lady from work talked my head off about the way Jeff acting was indicative of him cheating and wanting the relationship to end... Anyway ... so midnight hits i go get my sis from work .. go home change, got all perfumed up "sexual secret" to get me in the mood ... and went to the club.  walked in the door & saw my friend black pua, his friend Jayson, and his other friend "beach bar guy" whom i wasn't too pleased with but i sat next to him anyway & we made nice because he apologised that he didn't know who was calling his phone and he doesn't answer private calls.. plus i didn't give him my number. true .. but he didn't ask for it either .. anyway he has it now.. whatever .. we had drinks i had a massive red bull and vodka .. anyway the music wasn't the best so we called it a night and i asked beach bar guy to walk me to my car...we jumped in and he asked me where did i live on the island.. so i said right around the corner, I'll show you so i took him to see my cute little house.. and he started rubbing on my leg ... his hands were so rough they felt amazing through my jeans omg ... i soaked through my jeans... when we came to a stop sign he leaned over and kissed me ... I'm gonna die cause he is hands down the best kisser ever ! I ran my hands over his crotch thought OK hes average sized... but bigger than Jeff... so jackpot... needless to say i told him we needed to go somewhere so i don't crash the car because all of his touching and rubbing and feeling is driving me crazy... so i took him to the beach.. showed him my boobs which made him drool and kiss and lick and suck massage i totally enjoyed the attention... then i made him sit on a rock while i blew his mind with my awesome tongue skills.... when he pulled his cock out i had to blink a few times to make sure i wasn't drunk, or hallucinating. HIS WANG IS HUGE ! its 2.5 times bigger than Jeff's ... and thick like a can of air freshener with a smaller head than the base, thank goodness for that cause if not it would have been hard to get it all in... i deep throated him on the beach.. teased it licked it sucked it worshipped it and treated it like it was the best thing i ever ate. lol... it kinda was this week .. brought him to the edge a few times.. and kept saying to him i don't know how I'm gonna take all of him .. which made him get even harder.. it was like fucking cement that's how hard it was .. and he smelled so good ...he suggested we go back to the car to see if i wanted to try his huge Wang... i shyly said yes ... it was a tight fit, filled me right up to my cervix... i rode that cock like a pony, he gave and i took.. in the backseat of my car .. then he made me lay down on the seat while he fucked me like i owed him money, I CAME TWICE ... i almost cried ... i had never ever in my lifetime had an orgasm from just cock and pussy sex without the use of toys... it was amazing ... and he kept asking if i was alright how sweet .. i cant wait to fuck him again..

the human touch...

It's so weird i hadn't thought of kissing someone until today, Wednesday token lesbian and I went to a beach club to hangout.. and I saw a really cute guy there I might want to hook up with.. OK I wanted to fuck him. I barely looked at him but I wanted him .. and maybe 3 other guys there too but that's not the point. I didn't think of him in terms of maybe going on a date or anything like that. just pure sex ... My friends are telling me i need rebound sex, I know I need some sort of sex ... and at this point I'm tired of my vibrator and watching porn ... I need a human touch...

Today is Jeff's birthday ..

Funny how I'm the one that broke off the relationship yet i am having all of these feelings. I tried to mask them with happiness but i haven't admitted to myself that i am hurting because all of the things i wanted to do with him that he refused to do with me he is now doing with her. It does hurt. I loved him and resented him all at once. I refuse to be a bitter bitch. Why would he profess his undying love for me then turn around 10days later and go fuck her ? I honestly understand how his ex wife feels i am starting to hate him because my feelings were cast aside as if the 4years we were together didn't matter only because he wanted to keep his cock wet.  i have to keep telling myself its not me its him because i keep asking myself what did i do wrong other than feel my emotions and reached my limit for the amount of fighting and emotional abuse.
this is the same man who told me i was fat, yet this bitch is bigger than me.


I have to constantly remind myself that I deserve a man who treats me with respect. How does one rebuild after an emotionally abusive relationship ? How the fuck am i having intelligent coherent thoughts that make sense about what I'm going through yet cannot emotionally detach from this relationship ? why haven't i gotten laid yet ? I know i learn something new from every relationship Ive been in but honestly this is a lesson in what not to put up with from a partner, when to leave and when to say fuck off.  

Whats next ? killing myself on the treadmill and the weights tomorrow so my muscles scream while i cant. Now my motivation is don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me.

Operation G.P.L

G.P.L. = Get Passion Laid ... lol .... I haven't had sex since Jeff and I broke up, and before that maybe 3 days before that... Its not like I'm not looking ... i kind of am, and i kind of am not ... i was supposed to screw this guy who flew into town on business, but i think we both were too busy ... on top of that i had just had my tooth pulled out so that kind of didn't help because i felt like i looked hideous. i wasn't eating .. might have been the medication plus the depression i felt.. top all of that off with stress and my period shows up... so even if i wanted to i couldn't ... kind of  but not really..

So operation G.P.L. is on hold till i find a willing and able and available partner.

I wish i could do this and get it over with so i could get him out of my system but ... its taking too long.

feeling all these feelings...

I hate feeling all of this conflicting garbage called emotions... i don't like it at all... I saw Jeff tonight. Token lesbian who is Jeff's daughter came by my job after they had dinner together to say hello and he lagged behind while we chatted about her week .. i spoke with his cousin who lives with him too... its fair to say they miss me, I miss them too, but i was so unhappy with him  i think i would have killed myself. he doesn't look good at all his hair looks a mess, he looks as though hes put on weight ... he doesn't look as though hes taking care of himself... i guess its not my problem anymore.. its so hard to shut off feelings and emotions after taking care of someone for so long.

... just really depressed ... emotional rollercoaster

I love you so much, but it has been a difficult last year, me coming to terms and accepting that i needed to do something about my body, me realising that i wasn't happy with myself and my life, me being in this relationship feeling lonely and unsure of how to express my feelings. It hurts my heart that emotions have to build up for us to express our feelings for each other, sometimes i feel like i never get a fighting chance with you because you aren't the easiest person to get along with, and neither am i; but i am changing that to make me a better nicer more pleasant person to be around. our relationship was four years long and i really grew tired of people asking me a question i couldn't answer ( when are you two getting married) and resentment kept building up because i didn't know the answer, and you tossed the subject aside like it didn't matter.

Do you never wonder why your friends ask me "how do you put up with him?"

This year when i started taking walks by myself because you wouldn't come with me after i asked and asked and asked, i rediscovered i enjoyed walking on the beach. We stopped doing the things we did when we were happy, money or not, i stuck with you, when the business closed, i understood that you weren't going to spend money if you weren't making money, i still stuck by you because i loved you and wanted to be with you. You helped me start a garden that was something i truly enjoyed doing with you and i know you enjoyed the things we grew & still do.  I honestly think if we devoted time to just focus on communication and intimacy in our relationship it could work. we both got comfortable and failed to appreciate each other in a way that fulfilled our needs. I know i hurt you and i keep apologising for that, i feel like the apologies are all one sided  because you never took the blame for anything in our relationship and you made everything feel as thought it was my fault ... there were two of us and one person couldn't possibly take all the blame. I couldn't be your everything and my everything... without neglecting somethings. I had requested your birthday off because i thought it would be nice for us to do something together... but i see how much you valued our relationship and how easily you thought i could be replaced... its painful to feel that i was just a filler in your life when everything i did was to try to make you happy, but everything i didn't do only made you unhappy. I'm sorry our relationship didn't have the balance it needed to work. but that is both of our fault not just me but you too... i feel as though i tried really hard to work with your bitterness, and resentment, and the anger you had for your ex wife, that more often than not spilled into our relationship as insults, fights, and resentment that kept pushing me away but i kept coming back because i knew it was years of hurt that i thought you could move on from. but you never did ... unfortunately you keep running away from fixing you. i wish you could take your own advice and find yourself before entering into another relationship, but you wont because you think there is nothing wrong with you. I still do love and care for you deeply, i just want you to figure out your issues learn from them, and not to carry that baggage into your next relationship.

the centipede...

sitting in my bedroom ... a 10" centipede came strolling in ... i had a panic attack called jeff... he said " good luck with that" and hung up on me ... this is the same guy who wanted to get back together ... i dont know what to think ... he is probably with his ex gf... he turned off his phone .. i texted his daughter and she said he just walked out of the house and didnt say where he was going.

wtf this is the same man who wanted to get back together ...

Having oral today ...

lol ... oral surgery that is ...i'm asking the dentist for the most awsome meds my insurance will cover so i can look faboulous for the gym on monday morning.  The picture shows how i've been rolling for the past year ... now when its removed i'll need a sugardaddy to get me some invisalign to pull my once perfect smile back into place..

Pray for me !

the universe hates me ....

so today ..i didnt see the sexy man at the gym this morning.. had a alright but tough workout... so being bored i asked the universe out loud to send the sexy man into my workplace to ask me out for dinner... shift ends at 7pm ...
at 7:03pm .... im standing at the door waiting for my brother in law to pick me up.. who should pull up but the sexy man... he jumps out of his car, walks in says hello but doesnt recognize me ... WTF ... do i look that bad in the morning with no hair and makeup on to not be recognisable ?

needless to say im devastated...  i cried in the car. ... i am not all there emotionally yet

Jeff called this morning...

Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...

Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

the asshole list

Here is the first member of our asshole list ...

Duroche" <loveschoklat402000@yahoo.ca  also known as sporty fit hunk on sugardaddie.com ... this is a picture collector who lives in toronto near yonge and elington...  

because i wasnt in the country at the time this mofo blocked me.

Pot ... interesting guy

Mr Halifax... asked me last night about my past sugar relationships and what i might possibly want from this one. I told him i was tired of being the other woman, sugar relationships take a toll on ones emotions as you find that you have been with this person but their wife gets all the benefits of them. so he asked me if i was looking for a sugar husband... I said yes i am ..he told me its a good idea, and he would like to have a special someone who could meet his needs and take control of his life outside of work for him. I'd like to be that someone, he is sexy ... he's got a Ted from how i met your mother thing going for him; intelligent, dresses well, and loves curvy black women who have too many shoes. I'm looking forward to meeting him, hopefully the chemistry is there.

Today's redeeming factor...

Sat on SD.com this week just to get my mind off Jeff and our break up, and I receive an email from a pot. I read his profile .. no pic ... but liked what I read, he is obviously well educated by his email. He actually read my profile, Thought I was gorgeous and is interested in coming down to meet me. We emailed back and forth all of yesterday, and the larger part of today. It was so nice to have a conversation that was intellectual peppered with flirtation, innuendo, economics and humour. He sent me a photo of him and my mind has been blown... this man is sexy, yes very sexy & is a good dresser.  Is this what i have been missing all this while ?

Yay ! the hopeless romantic in me is thinking this could be a great friendship if not more.

Passion fruit

Things are looking up & the universe is hearing me.

eye tag

So ... Hot sexy at the gym ... we keep playing eye contact tag ... I see him looking, he catches me looking, I'm working my quads, he's doing shrugs behind me breathing like its awesome sex; and all the while my panties are soaked and nipples are hard poking through my shirt all from just looking at him and listening to him breathe.

Why is it I don't know his name yet ? Why wont he approach me ? His married friend checks me out all the time... there is always tomorrow. maybe I'll find the balls and tell him how intimidating he is.

single

Jeff and i just broke up ... im not really upset... im more releived if anything ... will be posting more often now...

I'm a damn chicken!

I swear I don't know whats wrong with me ! ... this morning at the gym; the sexy man said good morning to me and held the door open for me, and I chickened out. There is something about this man that takes my breath away, makes my stomach flip, and my heart race. I want to tell him, but most days I cant seem to force myself to say anything to him because I feel stupid, and giddy and when looking into his eyes it feels like he is pulling my soul away from my body and exposing the me within. Only because I am dying to know if he has a wife or not... if he doesn't its on ... I really want to catch him alone in the parking lot up against his car so I can fondle him and feel him up... while staring deeply into his eyes. 

Hopefully the universe is sending token lesbian away so i can get the job done.

Passion Fruit

blah .. is how i'm feeling .

My mood is all over the place ... I've got gym in the morning.. and all this unspoken sexual tension is driving me crazy.  I need a good run to clear my head. I also need to grab a paper tomorrow and seriously look for a car... this no transportation thing is getting on my nerves & I need a car before token lesbian leaves.
Tomorrow I am just going to pretend the sexy man doesn't exist.... I am going to ignore my feelings because they only cause me heartache... I wish it could be more... but I cant put my self out there anymore. I feel so much sadness & pain & I really don't understand where its all coming from but I think its best I pull a hoodie out .. plug in my headphones and just zone out like I should have been doing for the past few months.

Passion fruit

sad...

hmm ...

So !  The sexy man was at the gym again this morning... and of course I get eyeballed in the parking lot, ignored when he walks into the gym. I'm doing my walk on the treadmill cause I'm wearing my slutty bra cant have my twins bouncing for everyone to see... but they did look full and round and inviting. so fast forward through my workout we (the girls ms. bestie & token lesbian) giggle our way through the entire workout in between sighs, and gasps, and thanks to God for making such a sexy body. Then  he asks token lesbian if she is using the machine .. to which I am 2 machines over ... he bends over in front of me to pull the pin out of the weight stack and looks at me between his legs .... and of course I'm sitting on my machine mouth open eyes all over his ass and we make eye contact again... I think he is fucking with me ... needless to say there is some serious sexual tension going on ... He has a really nice butt by the way !

Passion fruit

horny ...  

ughhhh !

I am not dressing up for Halloween, maybe next year or something. This should have been an awesome Halloween but i am still with Jeff. Fucking no social life! I feel trapped ... I want to leave but living with my mother and sister and her husband is a headache I don't want. plus I have no car so it makes it worse.... I am sick of this, sick of this relationship, sick of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I need a change like now!

Passion fruit

Hopefully I'll be single soon & driving my own car.

I spoke to him again

Let me start with ... OMG !!!! He has the most gorgeous grey eyes I have ever seen. I could feel myself getting horny just staring into his eyes as he spoke to me never breaking eye contact, and I barely heard a word he said. I asked him: "What's the difference between wearing straps versus wearing gloves for lifting." He is well spoken, and educated, can form sentences in perfect paragraph form, doesn't use "ah" or "um" he just got even sexier after that... so now I have to ask him his name and if he is single.

Today at the gym I totally embarrassed myself; I had jumped out of the car got completely flustered, saw him in all of his sexiness, threw my keys over my shoulder, started to untangle my headphones while walking in and listening to his almost quiet footsteps behind me, went to swipe my card to get in and I panic for a split second thinking "FUCK !!! I locked the keys in the car again" only to spin around and feel the weight of my keys on my shoulder, so I grab them swipe in and he's giggling behind me. Could the floor open up and swallow me ? I was way too embarrassed to chit chat with him today after that & I felt really fat and unshapely and all around not sexy so I hid on the treadmill the whole time he was at the gym. However his friend (we will call him Mr. Friendly) who is also gorgeous with a great body waved hello & came bounding up to ask me if a hurricane was headed our way... Too bad I couldn't tell him I was too busy staring at the sexy man (SWAT) instead of watching a hurricane advisory..lol. I'm so stupid though, I should have asked his friend if he was married.

Passion fruit

p.s. feeling a little better now that i have some makeup, and some figure flattering clothes on

... I'm terrified of rejection

I have the gym in the morning ... I'm kind of excited and kind of nervous... because of how I sped out of the parking lot last Thursday ...I'm such a spaz ... I'm so socially awkward its ridiculous and unecessary, and apparently the trifling hoe that was trying to get with Jeff at the fundraiser .. is also trying to hit on the hot guy at the gym too ... WTF!
I'm feeling weird about that because I am just selfish...
I think I should ask him his name tomorrow, or walk up to him and tell him how I really feel or just ask him if he has a wife ...

The stupid part is I feel like a bored unhappy house wife cause I'm so fixated on this guy .. who has only smiled and eyeballed me for the past couple months and only just recently spoken to me. He is gorgeous though. I am nervous about working out tomorrow ...  cause all I do is run away because of my fear of rejection.

I finally spoke to him ..

Soooo I went to gym this morning, like i do every morning except sat & sun... getting my fitness on, enjoying the burn, feeling good, dressed like a bum! I was wearing an over sized dive t-shirt, gym pants and my head scarf looking very unshapely and bum like.
 Then my best friend says " hey Passion, come here & help me with this" and points to the other side of the gym,and there he was in all his sexiness arms holding on to the lat pull down machine looking like a underwear model.
 I had a heart attack and an orgasm all at once ... needless to say that was the end of my workout. My meddling bestie who thought today was a good day for me to get kicked into the deep end decided she wanted to go workout on that side of the gym & pushed me to ask SWAT for his assistance with a machine that was too hard to adjust... panties soaking wet ... he was happy to help and seemed to jump for the opportunity... God ! I must sound like a creepy stalker ... but he was 6 inches away from my face and I wanted to lick him and taste his salty golden skin... needless to say i was extremely pissed with my bestie as she kept looking at me like the cat who ate the canary & drank the milk too, and of course i kept telling her she wasn't my best friend anymore.  OMG!!! I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I'm a dominant woman and i have never ever had any submissive inclinations or felt what i feel for someone who just until today only spoke a few words " excuse me, can you help us with this?" & "Thank you for helping" ... to which he replied with the most dazzling smile " No problem, Anytime!" ... needless to say by then i had soaked through my panties and could feel the moisture on my thighs as i floated out of the gym with ms. bestie.  So like women we stood in the parking lot discussing how surreal it was for her to witness the stare downs and eye raping, i pointed out his car and we were discussing him quite loudly and didn't realise he had walked out of the gym... to which i quickly said to ms. bestie "I gotta go" jumped in the minivan and hauled ass out of there like i was the driver for a get away car.
Fast forward to me getting home, and Jeff is still sleeping its after 9:30am ...I'm horny as a mofo... go to the bathroom sit on the toilet look out the window .... and see SWAT driving by... he turns around at the corner and speeds back in the direction he came. WTF ??? OMG !!! ... ever so slightly turned on ... no i lie ... i am way turned on by that.  

damn wagon ... bumpy rides...

So recently i tried to jump back on the sugar daddy wagon... its really disheartening to know that men are so shallow ... i really don't want to come off as a bitter bitch or anything but Guys COME ON! really ? why picture collect if you have no interest whatsoever ? the latest guy to do this is a financial consultant with a legit business... i put in my profile I AM NOT SKINNY i have big boobs and a big ass with a well defined waist ... these mother fuckers clearly think I'm some video vixen i guess and want to collect pics ... so as soon as i send my pics he disappears offline no contact no response nothing... like really wtf .. YOU SENT ME AN EMAIL FIRST !

to veer off topic i have met some really nice OLDER ( 50+) gentlemen on sd.com who are very nice but i don't know.. we'll see there is this one guy I'm chatting with who is really nice ... so much a boob man.. claims he has big hands but i hope he has a big wallet cause momma needs so new shoes & a car & to buy some property... etc

to skirt around looking for pics to send i think its time i create an online persona face book page where its there and i can have professional pics up there .. for the photo hoarders to ogle at.



A pic like this for them to ogle ...



 but its too bad men have become blinded by photo shopped pics and the such. cause i think I'm awesome, and so do the guys at my gym.... now if only i werent so shy to talk to the hot guy .  

Oct 2003...

Every year as halloween approaches i remember the halloween i was a stripper for a day. Naive, young, barely holding on to an innocence i had lost the december prior; I had made the choice to take my clothes off for money. It wasnt spur of the moment, i thought i had no other option. In the weeks leading up to making that decision i had met with a few madames who didnt think i would have made a good call girl i guess it had everything againt me in that situation; because i had no car, no cell phone, no where to live really; because i was sleeping on a photographer's couch till i could find money. He was working a strip club pole work competition as their photographer to take pictures for their website, and i went along as his assistant. It was my first time in a strip club and i was so fascinated that these girls did so little and made so much money, and i guess my photographer friend just wanted me to hurry up make some cash so i could get off his couch, so he spoke to the guy managing the place and he told me i could start the next day. Thats how i became a stripper for a day.

why why why do i keep torturing myself?

I hope i have the confidence tomorrow to talk to him, if only to ask why he was looking at me the other day... and if he asks me why i was looking at him i can simply reply : look in the mirror! do you not see how incredibly sexy you are ? .... I dont understand why i am so stuck on this man.  either i talk to him or dont.

My pick up lines ...

Hi, i love your hair... one of these days I'd love to see it buried in my crotch. ( guy is bald with goatee )
How would your wife feel if she knew i undressed you with my eyes every day at the gym ?
I cant get enough of you grunting behind me.... while i work out my inner thighs.
While you were looking did you see my nipples harden ?
What's your name ?... so i can name my vibrator after you!

Passion Fruit...
I'm so very horny ...

Under the weather

Hi my little muffins,

I have the flu... though i had the energy for 2 days in a row to go to the gym only to ogle the hot guy... i didnt have the energy today... I felt like a truck ran over me at 3am ... when i woke myself up... then again at 4... when i finally realised my alarm would go off ... i turned it off so i could sleep ... i sleept like a baby till 9:39am ... felt good ...  but woke up with my abs hurting like a mofo ... this is day number 3 of fever so i might aswell go to the dr in the morning to have myself looked at.

anyway ... monday if im feeling better, i'll have to look forward to see the sexy guy in all of his hotness and perhaps i will have found my balls to ask him if i know him from porn, or if he is a male stripper. lol

at least i havent sneezed out my sense of humour...

Passion Fruit.

I got my birthday wish ☺

So i had wished & prayed & wished & prayed to see the hot guy at the gym on my birthday... HE WAS SOOOOOOOOO SEXY ! I'm still to shy to talk to him, but i did make myself look available by taking my headphones off and tossing them on the floor. we both kept stealing looks in the mirrors at each other but this one chic who i don't particularly like was like she was either cock blocking or just being nosey, she was working out in the weight room with us but just an annoyance. I might have said hello if it were just me and him. OMG he is sooooooo sexy I couldn't concentrate on my workout. Hearing him breathing behind me was too much for my horny little body... so i got up and went to the ladies room where i cooled myself down with some cold water ... Its so bad i dreamt about him again last night he was leaning in to whisper something or kiss I'm not sure but before he could speak i woke up. Horny as a motherfucker with Jeff snoring right next to me, i tossed and turned for 2 hours hoping the feelings would subside, they never did but i did eventually fall asleep.

I want to touch this man, explore his body, figure him out, I don't know why i am drawn to him but its like i need him.

Today's redeeming factor...

Saw the hot guy at the gym ... his friend kept stealing looks at me. I really should get over this shyness and just say hi... right now I'm almost certain hot guy is married... who gets calls at 6:45am ... ? i did back when James was in my life. Speaking of James i should write him an email telling him never to change that way he treats a woman. his romance was beautiful while it lasted.

I'm going to have me some gelato !

I went to the gym today ... and locked my keys in the car ... still in the ignition. I must have been really distracted, anyway i called Jeff to ask him to look for the spare to bring and he automatically tells me i must call a locksmith and wait for them to come open the car for me  then i have to argue with him on the phone to get him to get off his ass to at least look again for the keys what he doesn't want to do but says he'll spend only two minutes of his precious time looking for them.... so i say fine and hang up.. 5 minutes later no call from Jeff so i call the locksmith and arrange for them to come... 15 minutes later he calls and says hell be by in half an hour to get me .. and i say but i already called the locksmiths he says call them and cancel ...  wow really dude ?  do i need yet another reason to break up with him ? who the fuck tells their girlfriend any of this ? i swear i cant do this relationship thing for very long ... is this what i have to look forward to if i ever said i would marry him ? FUCK THAT !... i really need to save up some more money to get myself a car.. cause i think its really the only reason i an still there with him.. because with him i have a car where i can get back and forth to work ... i was so angry this morning i was close to tears... and he got pissed off i didn't say thank you to him for opening the car .. and wanted to start another fight with me because i told him thank you after he asked so i told him not to ask next time. FUCK! i an just so irritated with him.

THIS IS BULLSHIT... i think i might have to start taking my own advice... people will only treat you as well as you let them treat you. i just need to get the fuck out of this relationship. This is so stupid.

How i really feel ...

Im in a funky mood ... A few months ago I did something that was supposed to be a random act of kindness; I had discovered a stolen item, reported it & the rightfull owners got their item back. This item was worth over 100k. This week i got a letter in the mail thanking me for being such an honest person and a check for $200.  I know i am supposed to be grateful but i am thinking to myself ... Are you fucking kidding me ?
Jeff was like oh honey you dont seem very excited about your bit of mail , I played it off that i was really tired and my stomach was upset but  in my mind... I'm like what the fuck am i supposed to be excited about ? REALLY !? ...  goes to show that i should just let things be as they are and not interfere. I'm happy  they got their stuff back... but beyond that i dont give a flying fuck anymore... I now know its not worth the effort .

I feel pretty bad about feeling this way but i dont know whats gotten into me...

Fruit with no passion today...

feeling lonely...

How is it that i am in a relationship, work around so many people, yet feel so alone ? If drinking didnt make me feel so bad tonight would have been a good night for a bottle of champagne and watching romantic comedies all night, while hold out that prince charming might be out there somewhere waiting for me. Ah.. but i am going home to Jeff who injured himself being stupid yesterday and i get to play nurse/ babysitter... sigh .. Sometimes i wish it werent so complicated this thing called my life

Things i miss..

1. being called beautiful
2. being skinny
3. being single
4. having fun
5. being held and enjoying the feeling
6. not having to control everything
7. my old job
8. my self confidence
9. my brother
10. my freedom
11. being happy ...

Passion fruit

is there any hope ?

I keep reading all the free romance novels on my kindle, wondering if i should believe in romance and love and all these strange but wonderful stomach butterfly feelings that people so fondly write about. I always question whether or not i will feel those things; the euphoria of being madly in love with someone. what does that feel like ? I know how it feels to have someone madly in love with me but i cant say that i have felt the opposite at the same time that they had those feelings.

I keep holding out for the romantic who is just as hopeless as myself.
Where is he ?

i think i might...

Leave him a note..... or just be a complete whore and bend over in front of him... while drinking from the water fountain of course... making eye contact and doing dirty things with my tongue in the water.... (that sounds like a scene from a bad porno flick)  hahaha ... that would be too funny, especially in a gym full of people... but on a serious note I got some looks while doing dead lifts in the gym... not by him but by onlookers ....

What makes this man so appealing ?

1. His body: he's not too bulky or too skinny .... and I can almost imagine how it would feel to be pinned underneath it ... and I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue.
2. He's bald with a goatee ... there is a special place in my heart for hot bodied men with goatees ... even better if I can imagine him naked or just standing suggestively with a towel barely covering the good bits...
3. He's Dominant ... I can tell .. I can just tell ... oh so very Alpha male the way he walks into a room with a certain swagger in his step that makes me want him to take control... I've never come across a man that does this to me.... so very intriguing.  Usually  I am always in control. And if he isn't dominant ...OH MY! the fun I could have with that...
4. The sight of him makes my panties soaking wet... he must be excellent eye candy ... I wonder how big he is... I want a bite!

Its a pure physical attraction ...  What is a girl to do ?

dreams .. weird stuff

I had a dream 2 days ago, i was kissing the hot guy from the gym... I don't even know this guy's name but he's in my dreams.

I dreamt about him again this morning; I was in a hot tub with a group of Asian young ladies one in particular had some kind of weird body piercing on her chest and i went to look at it, but found myself fascinated with her little brown nipple instead. the some elderly white lady tourist woman comes up to me asking me to adjust her strap so i assist her with it , and another lady asks me to give her a curly perm and my response to her is but you are in the damn hot tub .. how is that gonna work? So i leave the hot tub and run into SWAT and we get to talking and he's pulling me close about to kiss me and i realise i have chewing gum in my mouth.. and coconut ... for some weird reason my mouth feels weird and dry so i pull away from him and run to the bathroom and proceed to spit chewing gum and all kids of weird stuff out of my mouth and its like it never ends... i wake up chewing on my tongue.

Maybe i will have the courage to say hello to him on Monday ? who knows ...

Hurricane Irene

Since i am in the islands .. i wont be postin until internet is back up and running.. Hurricane Irene is coming. i had plans to be quite the whore this week but they have been put on hold ... so until later or when the internet comes back up ... ♥♥♥

Jeff is gone again ... rambling on

I must say i'm releived sort of... now I have time to do all the working out i want to do while he's gone and veg, and watch tv, and sleep .. etc... I have been thinking about our relationship lately. I pretty much stay with him because i would rather not live with my mother or my sister and her husband, and he does make my life easier though he really isnt the most supportive or world's most amazing boyfriend. I love him because i have grown to love him but im not in love with him. Being in love is such a wonderful feeling, being in love with someone who is inlove with you is an even more wonderful feeling. i may have felt that once or twice... but the situation has never been right, there was always a reason why we couldnt be together....

Fish-- its so calming ...

Fish: "Add a touch of nature to your page with these hungry little fish. Watch them as they follow your mouse hoping you will feed them by clicking the surface of the water." <object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" style="outline:none;"

nothing really important going on...

I am just really, super, horny... I don't even know what to do with myself ... I have been tempted to hit on the sexy guy at the gym ... only because I am horny. I am sick of mastubating, sick of working out to get past the feelings.

ergh ... on top of that i want ice cream ... so i will have it because if i cant have sex at least i get to have ice cream... !

I must be growing up...

Today while skimming through a customer service group on Facebook, I saw someone I might know in the people you might know column; we will call her Jenny*.  Being the nosey person that I am, I clicked onto her facebook page to see if she had left her pics open, there were only a few open and I checked them out. The pics were of her & her husband we will call him Wilson* and their baby girl.
Wilson and I used to date; the story he told me was that he and Jenny had broken up because she had a miscarriage and couldnt cope with the loss. The gossip surrounding her misscarriage was that she had an abortion because she was fucking a black guy on the side and had gotten pregnant but didn't know who her baby's daddy was and she didnt want to risk losing Wilson if her baby was born black & not mixed race, either way she was upset about not having the baby. Sooooo while I was supposed to be be dating Wilson she saw us out together and I guess came to her senses and decided she wanted him back. i don't know why ? i'll never know why ...but anyway my birthday was coming up and Wilson had asked me what it was I wanted, and I told him I wanted a mercedes and he agreed to buy me one for my birthday and told me to look for one, so I did. Things were going well enough with the relationship, or so I thought he being a busy expat exec and me being the cute black girl working shifts, then he says he going on a business trip, which is fine for his job. while he's away I left him cute voice mails saying how I missed him and couldnt wait for him to be back blah blah blah.  i will never ever do that shit again... even if i miss a guy i wouldnt its just stupid and they dont appreciate it. While he is supposed to be away on business my sister and cousin decide we are going to go out for cocktails at the square... who should we see Wilson & Jenny all lovey dovey snatched up together, his best friend, and his neighbours who all know I was sleeping with him days before he was supposed to be away on business. The rage from the deepest pits of hell couldnt match how I felt, and I spat curse words at all of them for being so deceptive, especially Wilson & his now very proud housewife Jenny who was all upset and tried to fight me. I begged that bitch to throw the first blow... that bitch didnt have the balls and still doesn't. The people who work at the bar where all this drama happened still remember that epic almost fight.

I hated him for years afterward, I got really depressed and buried myself into my work.  I hated her even more because I wanted that damn mercedes I had picked out for my birthday, and i wanted that fantasy lifestyle and i felt as thought i had it until she came back on the scene. What made things so bad was I actually had feelings for this guy and he lied to me while I was thinking it might have worked. But it didnt so oh well. Needless to say it seems as though they are very happy with eachother and their new baby from the pictures they left open. Funny how I dont have the hatred for the two them that I had 6 years ago.This must be what it's like to mature... I must be growing up.

Jeff is away on business...

Going out with the girls tonight... I'm so excited we're going to a roof top bar for a concert. I hope Mr. Sexy body SWAT is there by himself... or who knows....

Passion Fruit

I'm a bad little girl ...

SWAT sighting ... instantly soaking wet

Oh my heart .. poor thing I almost had a heart attack.. I went to have lunch ... and I saw HIM !!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ! I got goosebumps, and my pussy is throbbing .... he is soooooo SEXAAAAAAAAAAAY ....  I lost my appetite , left a generous tip and ran to tell my bestie.

 

Is this a sign ...?  should I really just hand him my pussy on a platter ?... when I see him all I want to do is fuck.. or sit on his face...or lick him from head to toe. he has a body to worship... right now all I wanna do is kneel down to pray.  

 

there is a big concert tomorrow night ... I hope he is there so I could have some liquid courage to go throw myself at him.

Euro Vacay James sent me a just checking in email..

here is the last paragraph: ...  I still care about you as someone I shared a very special period of my life with, who helped me grow and made me feel better about myself.  If I don't hear from you, I will respect that you have moved on and for your own reasons do not wish to maintain contact with me.  Otherwise, I hope to hear just that you are doing well and living your life for you.  You have so much to offer, and if I helped you believe in yourself even a tiny bit more, then I will be happy that I could help such a sweet and genuine lady as yourself.

Yours truely.

James.

Now .. wtf ? I'm speachless on this one ...

Passion fruit...

Apparently i am someone's motivation ☺...

 To be honest I was already having a crappy day from 5:30am, i dream that i was dreaming and then my alarm went off in my dream, I woke myself up out of my dream listened for a bit, no alarm, look at my phone.. it was exactly 5:30... then Jeff wakes up because i wake up rolls out of bed to go have a piss, makes man noises and comes back to bed grumbling that now would be a good time to have sex. By now i have my panties and sports bra on and I'm thinking this man cannot be serious, and I'm also thinking .. i don't wanna have sex right now... I'm gonna get all slimy and i don't really want to shower before going to the gym.. needless to say i turned him down got my clothes on and went to the gym... HOT SWAT showed up after 7am... almost gave me a heart attack... i was like this --> <---- close to talking to him today but right when i would have gone over to ask him about increasing my upper body strength right in the middle of my leg workout on the seated squat machine this guy comes up to me gushing about what a motivation i am to his girlfriend, and how i need to crank it to the next level instead of cruising on the treadmill... WTF DUDE ! ... first of all i cruise on the treadmill so i don't have a heart attack or heart failure, second: while I'm flattered that he and she see me in the gym everyday technically i am only there for my own sanity, to keep my sex drive primed since if i don't go to the gym i will become a porn watching masturbating couch potato who lives at home with her mother... and thirdly: my main motivation is to watch the hot guy work out and silently perv on him...hehehe OH! he's so sexy... i might have to have some liquid courage to tell him i think hes sexy... or locate my balls, which I'm sure are somewhere deep up my ass... That's just my morning before 8am... When i get home Jeff isn't up yet, so i go looking for him and hes still in bed and I'm like: OK are we gonna have sex now? ( just so i can get it out of the way and i don't have to hear how hes going on his business trip and i didn't fuck him before he left and blah blah blah, to cut out all the dramatics  he waited a whole hour before he decided on if he wanted have sex or not, i guess he wanted me to turn him on or something.)  I'm sure you guys can sense my enthusiasm for this ... i don't even know how to put it nicely... he doesn't turn me on! he wants me to go to the gym because i am getting to the size he doesn't find attractive, then he wants to have sex, when i do go to the gym and I'm too fucking tired to have sex he gets all mad and upset, he doesn't entertain me, but will get upset because i use the Internet to entertain my self, i hate his friends, and love mine... were whores everyone knows it but at least we aren't in denial.

Am i with him purely out of convenience ? its possible, maybe i should tell him get back with his ex, hook me up with a nice guy who can appreciate my quirkiness and who doesn't demand sex more than once a day unless hes super hot! and we will both be very happy.  I cant wait till he leaves on his trip so i can have some peace and quiet, buy myself a new vibrator or 2 and have a good session of self loving. its bad that i wont miss him while hes gone but its like having a child, a big man baby that you should have aborted a long time ago.

Sorry this was so long i just needed to get all of that off my chest. 

Passion Fruit.  

I've lost my balls...

What is it with me these days that has me all sad and quiet... withdrawing into my mind for personal avoidance? Its like my self esteem has plummeted, on the plus side I lost 3lbs. Back to my original point... I don't know what's wrong with me... my personal goal this week was to say hello or hi to the sexy man at the gym, what did I do instead ? clam up, withdraw, look at him with lust n my eyes, look at him directly in the eyes and do nothing... what the fuck is wrong with me ? what happened to the ballsy, don't have a care in the world, no man is out of my league girl that I used to be, or who I thought I was... maybe this whole I need to lose 50 lbs... and not being comfortable in my own skin is getting to my mind... how is that possible for him to be looking at me, me to be looking back directly in his eyes; which by the way I don't even know what color they are... keep in mind I have fantasized about this man in various sexual positions... dreamt of licking him from head to toe, and have secretly worshiped his body from the safety of my treadmill at the gym... yet I cant say hello.  I think I have a panic attack every time I think about saying hello, maybe I should just wave instead... but the thought of that scares me too. How the hell am I going to rediscover the sexy woman I once was if I keep second guessing myself ?

The grey pube..

I have discovered I have a grey pubic hair ... am I even old enough to have  greying pubes ? ... This is so weird on so many levels... im only 27.

Should I leave it or pluck it ?

Passion fruit.

Twiddle dee & Twiddle dum .. my new gym stalkers

... I now have two big, thick, buff black guys trying to get my attention at the gym. I  refer to them as twiddle Dee and twiddle dumb... SO ANNOYING !...

I'm doing my walk run jog thing on the treadmill and these two motherfuckers are waving like they are trying to signal a plane, clapping loudly trying to get me to look directly at them.... all I do is fiddle with my I-pod and turn the music up as loud as it can go, stare at the TV and ignore them because I can see them in my peripheral vision making a scene to attract my attention, then when they are leaving the gym they walk right in front of my treadmill so I must see them and wave with big stupid smiles on their faces...wtf??? really???  HOW PATHETIC !... my best friend seems to think I should just humiliate them the next time they do it and let them know i have no interest in dating/befriending/sleeping with and or fucking any black men in this lifetime.

Almost makes me happy I haven't said hello or waved to Mr SWAT who's body I have been lusting after; I swear that man could have me wrapped around his pinkie finger >insert evil smile< if he so wanted... I pulled out my bullet the other day after I saw him in the gym working on his hamstrings... the sight of that man gets me so wet, i just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue. 


Haven't had sex since last week...

PF

Bitches can't be serious

So Jeff and I went out the other night to a fundraiser party, we had a ball... at least i think we did i was wasted ...lol .. anyway we get home and I'm going through the pictures i took at the party and he asks me specifically about this one girl, then tells me she was looking at him funny all night. fast forward it 3days later i mention it to one of my best girly friends and she says " girl i was supposed to tell you she was asking people about you and Jeff.." then all of a sudden i see she sends me a friend request on face book ... i looked at it and said to myself you know bitches cant be serious about this shit. What the fuck ? why is this bitch trying to be my friend ? these damn trifling hoes need to watch out for me, i carry pepper spray and I'm a sadist.

Passion fruit - Girl with a Fendi bag & a bad attitude.

No direction to this post...

I guess Jeff (my official boyfriend) is feeling me even more since i had my brief tryst with James... ( who by the way decided that he is now in a committed relationship with a fellow med student, so it would be inappropriate to contact me further. I think that if i help you over come your mental causes for your erectile dysfunction you should still want to make it seem like i will be your friend for life for fixing your broken cock) ... well that seemed like a rant.


Anyway... Jeff has been showering me with lots of attention, kisses, hugs, been very accepting of my shoe buying, and has been really good about me starting to dress a bit more sluttier as my weight drops. Saturday night we went out for dinner i wore some skin tight hot shorts, hot pink platform stilettos, and a baby pink baby t-shirt.. i really wish i has a pink corset to wear but it may have been too much for him. needless to say Jeff told me i looked very sexy, which is amazing because every time i had ever wanted to break up with him it was always an argument about him not complimenting me on my efforts to look nice. I hope he can keep up his good behavior I'm enjoying feeling special.
Fast forward to last night... i wore a black corset & crocodile patterned leggings with a lace poncho on top... FABULOUS ... with  nude platform pumps... my boobs looked like little large pillows...lol  anyway i looked fucking awesome! and Jeff told me so repeatedly all night... i guess he wanted o get some action last night..
The place we went to overlooks the harbour, and there was a cool breeze blowing all night kinda like a special effects fan because my hair had the wind in it at all times and this one guy described me as a super hero in my get up..lol needless to say i had 3 people mistake me for a working girl last night... I looked more like the dominatrix i am, than for sale.

( Speaking of working girls.. some of my favorite people are working girls... but the set i ran into were the cheap kind... why do they draw attention to themselves by dancing like dueling strippers in a seedy club... 2 Colombian girls in midriff baring tops, bikini strings dangling in the back, mini denim skirts, & laced up sandals with BIG fucking purses... & their madame... a former working girl looking like she had better days could have run a flat iron/ some curls in her hair. What is so hard about a cute black dress having your hair done and a simple matching handbag...don't get me started on chain smoking and flicking the ash on the ground when there were ashtrays everywhere...  )

When we finally arrived home... well after 3am... Jeff thought it would be a good idea to have sex ...lol ... i was smashed, I didn't want to have sex, my body ached, i still had my makeup on when i climbed into bed, and on top of all that we still ended up having sex... I told him he had to do all the work since i was about to pass out... when it wasn't one thing it was the next, my legs hurt, then it felt like he was slamming into my cervix, then it felt like my legs were going to fall off so i said hows about i just blow you... ? no he wanted to tit fuck me... so i let him for a couple of minutes until i started drifting off to sleep. lol ..... i envy people who have the fun kind of energetic sex...   soon ! i hope.

Passion fruit

Retail therapy...

Soooo today im in another funky mood... it could change if someone desireable hit on me today

 I bought 3 pairs of shoes yesterday... Im going to buy me today that passport holder I have been looking at and maybe a bracelet or something. ...

on another note ... I am only trying to lose weight so I can dress sluttier, and but more stuff on sale.

Passion fruit... i swear i am getting shallower by the minute.

Mr. Sexy with Tats ... i'll call him SWAT cause he looks like he should be.

There is a very sexy man at my gym...he looks like someone a  romance / erotic novel should be written about. His body is built for licking chocolate sauce off of, his arms are the kind of arms to pick you up and pin you to the wall while getting a good had fucking, his legs... only to be worshiped with a tongue and fingernails... and God help me if i ever see him naked outside of my mind all covered in soap, with his tattoos glistening under fluorescent lights; i just might faint.
I saw him the other day, he walked right in front of me, made eye contact,and i almost fell off the treadmill. I know i must have looked ridiculous i may have even freaked him out because i couldn't get my eyes off his body. I don't know if men like for a woman to look at them with lust in their eyes but i know it was getting hot, i needed a cold drink.. and i know he could have quenched my thirst.
Now i don't know whats wrong with me; because as badly as i want to say hi to this guy, ask him if he is single, as him if he want to fuck my brains out, or ask him if he could train my fat self into sexy bikini body shape I'm too afraid. Where the hell has my confidence gone ???

Any ideas on what i should say to him if i ever get the nerve to speak to him ?

passion fruit...

Exit Mr. James

I blew him a kiss as i walked away from him, the rain had just stopped falling and I really didn't want to leave him, it took everything within me to pull myself away from his arms. Earlier i was interrupted while i was professing my love for him and i never got to finish telling him just how deeply i had felt for him; but then after being interrupted so many times and him talking non stop ... i told him i would just be his friend. I could see the devastation on his face, but there were so many unanswered questions and it seemed to me that he deliberately avoided answering those questions that i reminded him about maybe twice... and he still didn't answer so to me it was inevitable that i would have to push him away from me emotionally. I later sent him an email asking him where do we go now... no answer... its been radio silence for five days... Its understandable i guess when you have had your heart broken enough times you toughen up and fight the feelings lurking in the background.

Just before i walked away he told me he didn't want to let me go, and that his body was responding to my hands on his body. i said " well honey, you already know the moment i hear your voice my panties are soaked" as i saw myself walking away i could feel the tightness in my throat build up and the tears burning in my eyes. I had to remember what he looked like because this was the last time i would ever see him. thank god i wore makeup & did my hair.

passion fruit

BUSY SIGNAL -- TIGHTEST (FULL & PROPER) ***EXCLUSIVE*** 2009

Since im a whore & James is one too ... and im listening to music when i really should be productive, I remebered something he told me when he stuck his fingers in & found my g-spot ... My pussy is the tightest hes ever felt... hand wise... tighter than his japanese ex-girlfriend's ... in my neck of the woods its a compliment... so i told my best friend (shes a lesbian) and she offered up this song.



Passion Fruit .... tight tight tight... and NO ! I am not Jamaican.

round 6 ... i swear i am a hopeless romantic with a icy heart

So Mr James emailed me late last night .. saying he was sorry for over reacting and jumping to conclusions about me projecting what we had .. when it was all his fault like i had stated and he really wants to take it all back to the beginning so we can start out as friends ... but i must know that he always wanted more.    we're meeting for lunch at 2 at a cafe ... he doesn't want to say goodbye because my last email was so cold.        

real-lationships

Real talk ... James and I are done...  It is for the better... I'll probably see him one last time before he leaves. it was really an emotional roller coaster. One day were lovers, the next day were friends, then one day he wants to stick his dick in it , then the next day he's relieved he didn't... THIS IS JUST TOO FUCKING MUCH! i will post some of his emails the days i don't really feel like writing .

Anyway.... that's one of the updates today...

going to buy this really cute passport holder, not that I'm going anywhere but it will be nice to have something cute to put it in. i really need to buy myself some luggage, baggage for a girl who goes nowhere.

PF   ... feeling kinda blue today

James Morrison - You Give Me Something (New Version)

I am officially depressed ... and hearing this song makes it worse .. since misery loves company i am sharing it with yall .. ☺ plus who doesnt like wigs, corsets and orchestral music ?



PF

Time for common sense to kick in

Today started out very sleepy, i longed for my bed but instead i chose to go to the gym... why i dunno, but i saw the hot guy there again, i guess i may have creep ed him out by staring too much but if he looked in the mirror maybe he could see the sexy body i was looking at.

on another note Jeff is still away on business, James is not happy with me because I'm staying at Jeff's house while hes away, but he expects me to jump into his bed whenever he demands it on his schedule, as much as i like him and sometimes love him... i cant do that on a promise and an empty one too with nothing to really back it up other than sweet nothings kisses and i couldn't even say promises for the future.
Seriously ..! I'm supposed to leave my bf for someone who has girlfriends <- yes plural i knew this from the start and he knew about Jeff from the start. so i don't get why its bugging him, torture myself by moving back in with my mother so i could be closer to him ... i don't know how since hes leaving in a few days ? doesn't want to come back... fuck it ... i put my self out there i let him know when I'm available if he cant take me up on the offer then its too bad i don't control my schedule neither do i have the luxury of that .

then he shows up on messenger knowing that i was online since 4pm telling me he wished he got my message earlier cause he has the other chick over for dinner and studying and hes exhausted and blah blah blah then flips it around to me saying i was the one who isn't available etc.. this is too much

i love both of them but someone is going to get hurt.... probably me. I'm hurting already.

Passion fruit

Not Giving Up On Love - Sophie Ellis-Bextor Vs. Armin Van Buuren

It can be hard sometimes but i refuse to give up... Sophie looks gorgeous in this video

Feeling down

So I'm feeling a bit down today, wanted to emotional eat and ended up having cotton candy. What i really need to do i hit the gym hard or go running tomorrow to try to fill the void I'm feeling. I might color some hair tomorrow out of complete boredom.

Gonna start brushing up on french vocab again.

PF

Let's take a walk...

Last week was possibly the last time i would ever get to see James uninterrupted or unscheduled so i took him to the botanical gardens, I had only been there once as a child and he had never been there so it was a new experience for both of us. We walked around, his arm on my shoulder and mine around his hips; Yes that is how tall he is or how short i am. I love how he makes me feel like so small and tiny and he's just there to take care of things. I dunno .. its just how i feel when I'm with him like i just want to be wrapped up in his arms because they keep me safe and i feel safe in his arms.

During our walk we discussed our relationship...or whatever it is ... I call him my undercover lover, which he doesn't really like but i broke up with my boyfriend before to be with him and his mind was clearly on someone else, then when i got back with my boyfriend he wants me all to himself. .. I dunno ... i love him to pieces but he's doing an open relationship thing with some other chicks in France, new york, and only god knows where so i don't see me being number 1 in his life just yet, and then on top of that hes busy trying to be a doctor.
I had always thought i was going to be lonely for the rest of my life.. just a miserable spinster going to work and filling her time with charities etc..
NOW... Jeff - the boyfriend has returned from his business trip and will be gone again by tonight for another week ... is just super affectionate now. I guess maybe Ive been a bit cold but i think I'm just being with him the way he used to be with me. I gave him my all for 4 years and then i left him because i felt like it wasn't going anywhere, then all of a sudden he's like i was going to ask you to marry me after my divorce is final. 
I don't know if i want to marry him anymore, there's no spark, no butterflies, i don't have any libido with him. I just don't know.
So... I hope whomever is reading about my life is having a better day right now than how I'm feeling.

OMG !

I have a follower .. this is so awesome .. Its really weird to know that there is someone looking at my life and the drama i have right now. But its kinda cool at the same time.

☺ Hi !  > waves <

Passion Fruit

A baby story...

Just sat on the couch and flipped on the TV.. a baby story was on .. my uterus has collapsed ... I never really wanted kids till i had turned 27... and even more so now that i have met James. My boyfriend Jeff doesn't want anymore kids.. hes got 2 girls and they are both in university... we had the discussion about kids, but that was when i didn't want any ... now i want the mini mansion, the 2.5 kids the family dog and the amazing husband...so i can stay at home and be the amazing wife / home maker i know i can be.
I had never thought that i would have anybody interested in marrying me or wanting to be with me due to my past as a former adult entertainer, but who knows ? after meeting James who didn't care about it at all, i feel a whole lot better about my impending future as someones possible wife.

Purse Addict

Purse Addict

I had to post this, LOOK AT HER SHOES ! i think i may have gotten a little wet looking at them .. Sigh

PF

Have my damn cake & eat it too

I was having what started out to be a lovely day... i made  a chocolate cake, did some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, masturbated, went to see James... who drove me insane with kisses snuggles and touches. I never realised i like having my butt grabbed and touch so much; it sent waves of sensuality or plane ole feelings of I'm horny straight to my crotch. Came into work ... and Ive been here for a couple of hours and i am literally smashed to the point where i need a red bull. I don't understand why either ... i took some b-12's, b -complex & chlorella ... so i should be wide awake right ! ... oh well
I took a huge chunk of chocolate cake for James... lets just say he appreciated it. He took a bite, had a big smile and then kissed me deeply with a mouth full of cake. I cant even look at the cake anymore i get so horny thinking about that kiss. Take my breath away ... my nipples are hardening all because of cake!

James is the type of guy who makes me believe in romance, getting married, and having babies.

Passion fruit

i gained 5lbs ... wtf ?

I been working out, eating healthy, kicking my ass in the gym , and my damn scale says i gained 5lbs ... what the fuck ??? this is not very motivating! so i will post a picture of what i am trying to acheive with my body.

This is Laura Dore i love her figure and its what im trying to work towards in the gym...

Passion Fruit. 

Im going to have a milkshake, hopefully to bring all the boys to my yard. ☺

Rihanna - Only Girl (In The World)

I went to see him last night after work.... We spent all day on messenger writing back and forth talking about how much we missed each other , and how we could hardly wait for midnight. I could barely contain myself, I was anxious, nervous, excited, horny and literally shaking with anticipation. This man does so many things to my body that I don't understand, and I don't want to understand all I know is he makes me feel like the only girl in the world when I am with him, and that means so much.
He tells me I am beautiful so freely and effortlessly and repeatedly; when my boyfriend finds it hard to tell me I'm dressed nicely or my makeup looks nice.
When I got to his apt, the door was open and he reached out and grabbed me pulled me into his arms; there was a split second of fear and then those warm and familiar arms had me in their grip and I knew I was safe. OMG ... I love this man!

A few months ago while on my life changing "thing" on one of my walks; I was in between depression, desperation, loneliness, frustration, and anger; I asked God to send me a man, One who is kind , loving, affectionate, intelligent, tall, sexy, generous, believes in God, who would love me unconditionally, wanted children, didn't care about my past, didn't think I was fat, who could love me the way I am now and in the future as a better person, and strangely enough he sent this guy into my life who has made me feel so amazing in the short time I have known him...
I'm not usually the type of girl to feel insecure about approaching a man or even to feel like a man is out of my league, but him! he is a different story I feel like I don't even deserve his attention, love or affection. He is so kind, loving, attentive, so good looking, humble, and such a great person. He makes me want to be the best i can be for him and right now I feel like I'm not measuring up, but I am trying my best and that is all I can do.

Passion Fruit

Katy Perry - Teenage Dream

Mr. James is back ! .... How is it that the memory of a person floods so much emotion into a person that they make it hard for the person who is thinking about them to funtion normally ? I get butterflies in my stomach when i think about him, I have been so horny since I spoke to him last, but I dont think we will ever go all the way at least not in this lifetime. With him everything is different, time fades and emotions take over. I have never experienced feelings like these for anyone until now. i lose myself and find myself in his arms and somehow all the bullshit that life hands me doesnt matter anymore. I swear this man ... OOOOH ! I don't have words to describe the feelings he pulls from me. There is so much I want to do with him, to him, so much I miss about him when I'm not with him. This Man !

PKB Visions

PKB Visions

Just a quick look through their blog makes me feel depressed about my own sad little existance ... I almost cant wait to get of from work so i can be alone in the quiet confines of my car, just so the darkness and lonliness can wrap me up into the familiar.

I hate love songs...

I hate love songs. I guess you want to know why i hate love songs so much; well because love hurts. The minute I feel as though things could be perfect reality sets in, and i get jolted back to the knowledge that this feeling never lasts long, and i always do something to mess it up. That butterflies in the stomach feeling, the wave of warmth that washes over you when you get hugged by that special person; I know it all too well. I love it yet hate it because for me it never lasts long.

For me love is painful... i must like pain i keep going back looking for more.

Passion Fruit

Stalker types... & just creepy guys

There is this guy at my job; he takes out the trash, and does some tidying up, he is so creepy it makes my stomach turn. This is how it all started; I had decided after my birthday that I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be a better person. I dont know why I thought that being nicer to people, and smiling at them would work in my favor; but it sure as hell didn't because now this guy thought I was flirting with him.  He was new to the company; and since he cleans my office every other day, I thought it would be nice to be nice to the person that takes out my trash. Unfortunately my saying hello how is your day going ? and other random small talk stuff made this guy comfotrable enough to ask me if I had a boyfriend. WHAT THE FUCK !!!, was my immediate reaction; in my head of course, I'm not so cruel a person to say that to someones face, at least I dont think I am, but I do think I look hot enough for someone to realise I am not in their league.
Needless to say his approach made me realise; I need to create boundaries and keep those boundaries because if this riff raff was thinking my game wasnt that fly and he could get a chance, then I need to fix some things. I joined the gym, its going well i guess. I have more energy and clothes are fitting differently. My waist is getting smaller and i think my butt is getting more lifted; all i know is it looks hella nice in the mirror when I make an attempt at shaking it.... but thats a whole other topic for another day.

On to the next one,

Passion Fruit

Kelly Rowland - Motivation (Explicit) ft. Lil Wayne

I love this song ! Every time i hear it i think of James... and all the bad things i want to do to him. I do think the video could have been a bit more explicit; more bump and grind, more sweat & wet, some slip and slide, and perhaps a little poledancing & i love pole dancing.

Mr. James

So... recently I met this wonderful person who has helped me to see the good in myself, he has been a motivating factor in my life, and a pillar of strength when I needed it most; I'll call him James. James is this drop dead gorgeous middle eastern young gentleman whose parents can only be very proud of him, he is a towering 6'8, tall dark & handsome oh so sexy intelligent man with gifted hands. James and I have alot in common mentally; we think alike in most instances, and we both have addictive personalities which unfortunately has made us both addicted to eachother.
I met James through a website; he had originally contacted me and then I responded and we met up under the premise that were were going to be friends that have this website and various things in common.

He told me he would be the brown man in the polo shirt & I said I would be the the woman with the extremely large breasts sipping on a fruity drink. On my way to meet him I had a wardrobe malfunction: I stepped on a rock, almost twisted my ankle, and tore the sole on my ballet flats; so I did what any normal woman would do: I panicked and went to go buy new shoes. Half running, half limping, sweating my makeup off... in this adrenaline crazed rush to get new shoes and to be on time for my meeting date type thing... I saw him and walked right by him hoping he wouldnt notice me. He was brown alright, but he didnt say he was so sexy; too bad I didnt have the balls to meet him without a new pair of shoes which I hastily bought, and then ran back to meet him.
I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest as I walked toward him. I knew everyone else at the bar exept him, so he had to be the guy i spotted on my way to buy shoes; So I flashed my biggest: i cant beleive you are this sexy, but i am so shy and nervous smile, and said " hey, im so sorry i am late; i had a wardrobe malfunction." and hugged him. I knew right then and there that there was something special about him.
Did we ever hit it off ! ... I still can't beleive I talked that much with a person to the point where I didn't know what time it was, nor did I care, nor did I want to stop talking. He asked me if I wanted to have dinner there with him... but I couldnt; at least not there in the open like that it would leave me exposed to anyone who happened to pass to say; " OMG!!! I saw Passion Fruit  at such and such having dinner with this guy." Why should i care ? well because I have a boyfriend; who just so happened to be away on business at the time and was returning the next day. Cue the dramatic ♪music ♫... needless to say; I told James we could go somewhere more private for dinner. We didnt get to have dinner until 10pm because i took him for a ride in my car. I put him in the back seat so he couldnt be seen; and he promptly started touching my arms, my waist, my shoulders, anywhere he could feel me i guess; it was crazy electric feeling his warm hands on my skin, something I wasn't used to at all. I knew i had to pull off the road before he made me crash; because I kept wanting to close my eyes. I finally decided it was best to go to the beach; my santuary, the only place i ever feel comfortable & relaxed, especially when my body started to betray me like it was doing with him. I wanted to feel his arms around me so bad, because he told me about these great hugs he gave. Needless to say I made it to the beach in record time, jumped out of the car and asked for my hug. It was magical !

Introduction

Hi,

My name is Passion Fruit, I am a passionate fruit. I have been told i am crazy, but i consider myself to be bipolar self diagnosed of course. My hobbies include gardening, cooking, baking, shopping, watching youtube videos, sailing, snorkeling, crafting, sitting on the internet wasting time, and decorating.
The purpose of this blog is to write down my feelings, thoughts, desires, goals, and anything that comes to my mind or strikes my fancy. I am not much of a writer so don't expect anything novel worthy, perfect puntuation or grammar. 
I have been living my life one week at a time and have recently discovered that i am now in my late 20's with little to show for it, so hopefully i will be back here to give updates on how its going so you can offer advice, insight, or just have something interesting or not to read.