... just really depressed ... emotional rollercoaster

I love you so much, but it has been a difficult last year, me coming to terms and accepting that i needed to do something about my body, me realising that i wasn't happy with myself and my life, me being in this relationship feeling lonely and unsure of how to express my feelings. It hurts my heart that emotions have to build up for us to express our feelings for each other, sometimes i feel like i never get a fighting chance with you because you aren't the easiest person to get along with, and neither am i; but i am changing that to make me a better nicer more pleasant person to be around. our relationship was four years long and i really grew tired of people asking me a question i couldn't answer ( when are you two getting married) and resentment kept building up because i didn't know the answer, and you tossed the subject aside like it didn't matter.

Do you never wonder why your friends ask me "how do you put up with him?"

This year when i started taking walks by myself because you wouldn't come with me after i asked and asked and asked, i rediscovered i enjoyed walking on the beach. We stopped doing the things we did when we were happy, money or not, i stuck with you, when the business closed, i understood that you weren't going to spend money if you weren't making money, i still stuck by you because i loved you and wanted to be with you. You helped me start a garden that was something i truly enjoyed doing with you and i know you enjoyed the things we grew & still do.  I honestly think if we devoted time to just focus on communication and intimacy in our relationship it could work. we both got comfortable and failed to appreciate each other in a way that fulfilled our needs. I know i hurt you and i keep apologising for that, i feel like the apologies are all one sided  because you never took the blame for anything in our relationship and you made everything feel as thought it was my fault ... there were two of us and one person couldn't possibly take all the blame. I couldn't be your everything and my everything... without neglecting somethings. I had requested your birthday off because i thought it would be nice for us to do something together... but i see how much you valued our relationship and how easily you thought i could be replaced... its painful to feel that i was just a filler in your life when everything i did was to try to make you happy, but everything i didn't do only made you unhappy. I'm sorry our relationship didn't have the balance it needed to work. but that is both of our fault not just me but you too... i feel as though i tried really hard to work with your bitterness, and resentment, and the anger you had for your ex wife, that more often than not spilled into our relationship as insults, fights, and resentment that kept pushing me away but i kept coming back because i knew it was years of hurt that i thought you could move on from. but you never did ... unfortunately you keep running away from fixing you. i wish you could take your own advice and find yourself before entering into another relationship, but you wont because you think there is nothing wrong with you. I still do love and care for you deeply, i just want you to figure out your issues learn from them, and not to carry that baggage into your next relationship.

Jeff called this morning...

Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...

Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

ughhhh !

I am not dressing up for Halloween, maybe next year or something. This should have been an awesome Halloween but i am still with Jeff. Fucking no social life! I feel trapped ... I want to leave but living with my mother and sister and her husband is a headache I don't want. plus I have no car so it makes it worse.... I am sick of this, sick of this relationship, sick of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I need a change like now!

Passion fruit

Hopefully I'll be single soon & driving my own car.

I finally spoke to him ..

Soooo I went to gym this morning, like i do every morning except sat & sun... getting my fitness on, enjoying the burn, feeling good, dressed like a bum! I was wearing an over sized dive t-shirt, gym pants and my head scarf looking very unshapely and bum like.
 Then my best friend says " hey Passion, come here & help me with this" and points to the other side of the gym,and there he was in all his sexiness arms holding on to the lat pull down machine looking like a underwear model.
 I had a heart attack and an orgasm all at once ... needless to say that was the end of my workout. My meddling bestie who thought today was a good day for me to get kicked into the deep end decided she wanted to go workout on that side of the gym & pushed me to ask SWAT for his assistance with a machine that was too hard to adjust... panties soaking wet ... he was happy to help and seemed to jump for the opportunity... God ! I must sound like a creepy stalker ... but he was 6 inches away from my face and I wanted to lick him and taste his salty golden skin... needless to say i was extremely pissed with my bestie as she kept looking at me like the cat who ate the canary & drank the milk too, and of course i kept telling her she wasn't my best friend anymore.  OMG!!! I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I'm a dominant woman and i have never ever had any submissive inclinations or felt what i feel for someone who just until today only spoke a few words " excuse me, can you help us with this?" & "Thank you for helping" ... to which he replied with the most dazzling smile " No problem, Anytime!" ... needless to say by then i had soaked through my panties and could feel the moisture on my thighs as i floated out of the gym with ms. bestie.  So like women we stood in the parking lot discussing how surreal it was for her to witness the stare downs and eye raping, i pointed out his car and we were discussing him quite loudly and didn't realise he had walked out of the gym... to which i quickly said to ms. bestie "I gotta go" jumped in the minivan and hauled ass out of there like i was the driver for a get away car.
Fast forward to me getting home, and Jeff is still sleeping its after 9:30am ...I'm horny as a mofo... go to the bathroom sit on the toilet look out the window .... and see SWAT driving by... he turns around at the corner and speeds back in the direction he came. WTF ??? OMG !!! ... ever so slightly turned on ... no i lie ... i am way turned on by that.  

I got my birthday wish ☺

So i had wished & prayed & wished & prayed to see the hot guy at the gym on my birthday... HE WAS SOOOOOOOOO SEXY ! I'm still to shy to talk to him, but i did make myself look available by taking my headphones off and tossing them on the floor. we both kept stealing looks in the mirrors at each other but this one chic who i don't particularly like was like she was either cock blocking or just being nosey, she was working out in the weight room with us but just an annoyance. I might have said hello if it were just me and him. OMG he is sooooooo sexy I couldn't concentrate on my workout. Hearing him breathing behind me was too much for my horny little body... so i got up and went to the ladies room where i cooled myself down with some cold water ... Its so bad i dreamt about him again last night he was leaning in to whisper something or kiss I'm not sure but before he could speak i woke up. Horny as a motherfucker with Jeff snoring right next to me, i tossed and turned for 2 hours hoping the feelings would subside, they never did but i did eventually fall asleep.

I want to touch this man, explore his body, figure him out, I don't know why i am drawn to him but its like i need him.

feeling lonely...

How is it that i am in a relationship, work around so many people, yet feel so alone ? If drinking didnt make me feel so bad tonight would have been a good night for a bottle of champagne and watching romantic comedies all night, while hold out that prince charming might be out there somewhere waiting for me. Ah.. but i am going home to Jeff who injured himself being stupid yesterday and i get to play nurse/ babysitter... sigh .. Sometimes i wish it werent so complicated this thing called my life

Apparently i am someone's motivation ☺...

 To be honest I was already having a crappy day from 5:30am, i dream that i was dreaming and then my alarm went off in my dream, I woke myself up out of my dream listened for a bit, no alarm, look at my phone.. it was exactly 5:30... then Jeff wakes up because i wake up rolls out of bed to go have a piss, makes man noises and comes back to bed grumbling that now would be a good time to have sex. By now i have my panties and sports bra on and I'm thinking this man cannot be serious, and I'm also thinking .. i don't wanna have sex right now... I'm gonna get all slimy and i don't really want to shower before going to the gym.. needless to say i turned him down got my clothes on and went to the gym... HOT SWAT showed up after 7am... almost gave me a heart attack... i was like this --> <---- close to talking to him today but right when i would have gone over to ask him about increasing my upper body strength right in the middle of my leg workout on the seated squat machine this guy comes up to me gushing about what a motivation i am to his girlfriend, and how i need to crank it to the next level instead of cruising on the treadmill... WTF DUDE ! ... first of all i cruise on the treadmill so i don't have a heart attack or heart failure, second: while I'm flattered that he and she see me in the gym everyday technically i am only there for my own sanity, to keep my sex drive primed since if i don't go to the gym i will become a porn watching masturbating couch potato who lives at home with her mother... and thirdly: my main motivation is to watch the hot guy work out and silently perv on him...hehehe OH! he's so sexy... i might have to have some liquid courage to tell him i think hes sexy... or locate my balls, which I'm sure are somewhere deep up my ass... That's just my morning before 8am... When i get home Jeff isn't up yet, so i go looking for him and hes still in bed and I'm like: OK are we gonna have sex now? ( just so i can get it out of the way and i don't have to hear how hes going on his business trip and i didn't fuck him before he left and blah blah blah, to cut out all the dramatics  he waited a whole hour before he decided on if he wanted have sex or not, i guess he wanted me to turn him on or something.)  I'm sure you guys can sense my enthusiasm for this ... i don't even know how to put it nicely... he doesn't turn me on! he wants me to go to the gym because i am getting to the size he doesn't find attractive, then he wants to have sex, when i do go to the gym and I'm too fucking tired to have sex he gets all mad and upset, he doesn't entertain me, but will get upset because i use the Internet to entertain my self, i hate his friends, and love mine... were whores everyone knows it but at least we aren't in denial.

Am i with him purely out of convenience ? its possible, maybe i should tell him get back with his ex, hook me up with a nice guy who can appreciate my quirkiness and who doesn't demand sex more than once a day unless hes super hot! and we will both be very happy.  I cant wait till he leaves on his trip so i can have some peace and quiet, buy myself a new vibrator or 2 and have a good session of self loving. its bad that i wont miss him while hes gone but its like having a child, a big man baby that you should have aborted a long time ago.

Sorry this was so long i just needed to get all of that off my chest. 

Passion Fruit.  

Bitches can't be serious

So Jeff and I went out the other night to a fundraiser party, we had a ball... at least i think we did i was wasted ...lol .. anyway we get home and I'm going through the pictures i took at the party and he asks me specifically about this one girl, then tells me she was looking at him funny all night. fast forward it 3days later i mention it to one of my best girly friends and she says " girl i was supposed to tell you she was asking people about you and Jeff.." then all of a sudden i see she sends me a friend request on face book ... i looked at it and said to myself you know bitches cant be serious about this shit. What the fuck ? why is this bitch trying to be my friend ? these damn trifling hoes need to watch out for me, i carry pepper spray and I'm a sadist.

Passion fruit - Girl with a Fendi bag & a bad attitude.

No direction to this post...

I guess Jeff (my official boyfriend) is feeling me even more since i had my brief tryst with James... ( who by the way decided that he is now in a committed relationship with a fellow med student, so it would be inappropriate to contact me further. I think that if i help you over come your mental causes for your erectile dysfunction you should still want to make it seem like i will be your friend for life for fixing your broken cock) ... well that seemed like a rant.


Anyway... Jeff has been showering me with lots of attention, kisses, hugs, been very accepting of my shoe buying, and has been really good about me starting to dress a bit more sluttier as my weight drops. Saturday night we went out for dinner i wore some skin tight hot shorts, hot pink platform stilettos, and a baby pink baby t-shirt.. i really wish i has a pink corset to wear but it may have been too much for him. needless to say Jeff told me i looked very sexy, which is amazing because every time i had ever wanted to break up with him it was always an argument about him not complimenting me on my efforts to look nice. I hope he can keep up his good behavior I'm enjoying feeling special.
Fast forward to last night... i wore a black corset & crocodile patterned leggings with a lace poncho on top... FABULOUS ... with  nude platform pumps... my boobs looked like little large pillows...lol  anyway i looked fucking awesome! and Jeff told me so repeatedly all night... i guess he wanted o get some action last night..
The place we went to overlooks the harbour, and there was a cool breeze blowing all night kinda like a special effects fan because my hair had the wind in it at all times and this one guy described me as a super hero in my get up..lol needless to say i had 3 people mistake me for a working girl last night... I looked more like the dominatrix i am, than for sale.

( Speaking of working girls.. some of my favorite people are working girls... but the set i ran into were the cheap kind... why do they draw attention to themselves by dancing like dueling strippers in a seedy club... 2 Colombian girls in midriff baring tops, bikini strings dangling in the back, mini denim skirts, & laced up sandals with BIG fucking purses... & their madame... a former working girl looking like she had better days could have run a flat iron/ some curls in her hair. What is so hard about a cute black dress having your hair done and a simple matching handbag...don't get me started on chain smoking and flicking the ash on the ground when there were ashtrays everywhere...  )

When we finally arrived home... well after 3am... Jeff thought it would be a good idea to have sex ...lol ... i was smashed, I didn't want to have sex, my body ached, i still had my makeup on when i climbed into bed, and on top of all that we still ended up having sex... I told him he had to do all the work since i was about to pass out... when it wasn't one thing it was the next, my legs hurt, then it felt like he was slamming into my cervix, then it felt like my legs were going to fall off so i said hows about i just blow you... ? no he wanted to tit fuck me... so i let him for a couple of minutes until i started drifting off to sleep. lol ..... i envy people who have the fun kind of energetic sex...   soon ! i hope.

Passion fruit

Time for common sense to kick in

Today started out very sleepy, i longed for my bed but instead i chose to go to the gym... why i dunno, but i saw the hot guy there again, i guess i may have creep ed him out by staring too much but if he looked in the mirror maybe he could see the sexy body i was looking at.

on another note Jeff is still away on business, James is not happy with me because I'm staying at Jeff's house while hes away, but he expects me to jump into his bed whenever he demands it on his schedule, as much as i like him and sometimes love him... i cant do that on a promise and an empty one too with nothing to really back it up other than sweet nothings kisses and i couldn't even say promises for the future.
Seriously ..! I'm supposed to leave my bf for someone who has girlfriends <- yes plural i knew this from the start and he knew about Jeff from the start. so i don't get why its bugging him, torture myself by moving back in with my mother so i could be closer to him ... i don't know how since hes leaving in a few days ? doesn't want to come back... fuck it ... i put my self out there i let him know when I'm available if he cant take me up on the offer then its too bad i don't control my schedule neither do i have the luxury of that .

then he shows up on messenger knowing that i was online since 4pm telling me he wished he got my message earlier cause he has the other chick over for dinner and studying and hes exhausted and blah blah blah then flips it around to me saying i was the one who isn't available etc.. this is too much

i love both of them but someone is going to get hurt.... probably me. I'm hurting already.

Passion fruit