So I totally wasn't expecting anything for Christmas this year because; my two best friends are broke, I don't have a sugar daddy, i don't have a boyfriend, and things are kind of tough this year for my family.
Token lesbo (who is also Jeff's daughter) sends me an email with a picture attached; and it says Merry Christmas from us, cause you took care of us so well. its $200.00 deposited to my debit card for me to get myself something for Christmas. I've been weeping all day because it was the last thing i ever expected... which means she left on the 9th, it was deposited on the 16th so... Jeff was the one who did it. Its just one of those things where I'm confused but grateful all at the same time.. because its been a really hard time for me financially and i don't know how to say thank you because i still kind of hate him a little bit for wasting 4 years of my life... he sent me an email apologizing for what went wrong in our relationship and taking some of the blame, I don't understand why he did it but i have a funny feeling he is getting serious with the other woman and wants closure so he can move her into his house.. i don't know.. but its just a guess. I sent him a quick thank you email because i really didn't want to think about any of it anymore, but i asked him to let me know when my passion fruits are ripe; as that is the only thing i couldn't take with me as the flowers and fruit had already set and it kept me there so long. In a way it kind of was my baby and it symbolized me growing as a person within the relationship, branching out trying to find the sun despite the obstacles i had holding me back.
My immediate boss at work gave me a gift certificate for $60.00 which is awesome because the purse i want is $55.00 plus if i add another 5... i can get 2 bags... one for work and one for going out.
I am so thankful for the thoughtful people in my life, its $260 I didn't have to get the things I wanted.
Passion Fruit
Showing posts with label love lost. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love lost. Show all posts
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
... just really depressed ... emotional rollercoaster
I love you so much, but it has been a difficult last year, me coming to terms and accepting that i needed to do something about my body, me realising that i wasn't happy with myself and my life, me being in this relationship feeling lonely and unsure of how to express my feelings. It hurts my heart that emotions have to build up for us to express our feelings for each other, sometimes i feel like i never get a fighting chance with you because you aren't the easiest person to get along with, and neither am i; but i am changing that to make me a better nicer more pleasant person to be around. our relationship was four years long and i really grew tired of people asking me a question i couldn't answer ( when are you two getting married) and resentment kept building up because i didn't know the answer, and you tossed the subject aside like it didn't matter.
Do you never wonder why your friends ask me "how do you put up with him?"
This year when i started taking walks by myself because you wouldn't come with me after i asked and asked and asked, i rediscovered i enjoyed walking on the beach. We stopped doing the things we did when we were happy, money or not, i stuck with you, when the business closed, i understood that you weren't going to spend money if you weren't making money, i still stuck by you because i loved you and wanted to be with you. You helped me start a garden that was something i truly enjoyed doing with you and i know you enjoyed the things we grew & still do. I honestly think if we devoted time to just focus on communication and intimacy in our relationship it could work. we both got comfortable and failed to appreciate each other in a way that fulfilled our needs. I know i hurt you and i keep apologising for that, i feel like the apologies are all one sided because you never took the blame for anything in our relationship and you made everything feel as thought it was my fault ... there were two of us and one person couldn't possibly take all the blame. I couldn't be your everything and my everything... without neglecting somethings. I had requested your birthday off because i thought it would be nice for us to do something together... but i see how much you valued our relationship and how easily you thought i could be replaced... its painful to feel that i was just a filler in your life when everything i did was to try to make you happy, but everything i didn't do only made you unhappy. I'm sorry our relationship didn't have the balance it needed to work. but that is both of our fault not just me but you too... i feel as though i tried really hard to work with your bitterness, and resentment, and the anger you had for your ex wife, that more often than not spilled into our relationship as insults, fights, and resentment that kept pushing me away but i kept coming back because i knew it was years of hurt that i thought you could move on from. but you never did ... unfortunately you keep running away from fixing you. i wish you could take your own advice and find yourself before entering into another relationship, but you wont because you think there is nothing wrong with you. I still do love and care for you deeply, i just want you to figure out your issues learn from them, and not to carry that baggage into your next relationship.
Do you never wonder why your friends ask me "how do you put up with him?"
This year when i started taking walks by myself because you wouldn't come with me after i asked and asked and asked, i rediscovered i enjoyed walking on the beach. We stopped doing the things we did when we were happy, money or not, i stuck with you, when the business closed, i understood that you weren't going to spend money if you weren't making money, i still stuck by you because i loved you and wanted to be with you. You helped me start a garden that was something i truly enjoyed doing with you and i know you enjoyed the things we grew & still do. I honestly think if we devoted time to just focus on communication and intimacy in our relationship it could work. we both got comfortable and failed to appreciate each other in a way that fulfilled our needs. I know i hurt you and i keep apologising for that, i feel like the apologies are all one sided because you never took the blame for anything in our relationship and you made everything feel as thought it was my fault ... there were two of us and one person couldn't possibly take all the blame. I couldn't be your everything and my everything... without neglecting somethings. I had requested your birthday off because i thought it would be nice for us to do something together... but i see how much you valued our relationship and how easily you thought i could be replaced... its painful to feel that i was just a filler in your life when everything i did was to try to make you happy, but everything i didn't do only made you unhappy. I'm sorry our relationship didn't have the balance it needed to work. but that is both of our fault not just me but you too... i feel as though i tried really hard to work with your bitterness, and resentment, and the anger you had for your ex wife, that more often than not spilled into our relationship as insults, fights, and resentment that kept pushing me away but i kept coming back because i knew it was years of hurt that i thought you could move on from. but you never did ... unfortunately you keep running away from fixing you. i wish you could take your own advice and find yourself before entering into another relationship, but you wont because you think there is nothing wrong with you. I still do love and care for you deeply, i just want you to figure out your issues learn from them, and not to carry that baggage into your next relationship.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Jeff called this morning...
Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...
Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Exit Mr. James
I blew him a kiss as i walked away from him, the rain had just stopped falling and I really didn't want to leave him, it took everything within me to pull myself away from his arms. Earlier i was interrupted while i was professing my love for him and i never got to finish telling him just how deeply i had felt for him; but then after being interrupted so many times and him talking non stop ... i told him i would just be his friend. I could see the devastation on his face, but there were so many unanswered questions and it seemed to me that he deliberately avoided answering those questions that i reminded him about maybe twice... and he still didn't answer so to me it was inevitable that i would have to push him away from me emotionally. I later sent him an email asking him where do we go now... no answer... its been radio silence for five days... Its understandable i guess when you have had your heart broken enough times you toughen up and fight the feelings lurking in the background.
Just before i walked away he told me he didn't want to let me go, and that his body was responding to my hands on his body. i said " well honey, you already know the moment i hear your voice my panties are soaked" as i saw myself walking away i could feel the tightness in my throat build up and the tears burning in my eyes. I had to remember what he looked like because this was the last time i would ever see him. thank god i wore makeup & did my hair.
passion fruit
Just before i walked away he told me he didn't want to let me go, and that his body was responding to my hands on his body. i said " well honey, you already know the moment i hear your voice my panties are soaked" as i saw myself walking away i could feel the tightness in my throat build up and the tears burning in my eyes. I had to remember what he looked like because this was the last time i would ever see him. thank god i wore makeup & did my hair.
passion fruit
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