... just really depressed ... emotional rollercoaster

I love you so much, but it has been a difficult last year, me coming to terms and accepting that i needed to do something about my body, me realising that i wasn't happy with myself and my life, me being in this relationship feeling lonely and unsure of how to express my feelings. It hurts my heart that emotions have to build up for us to express our feelings for each other, sometimes i feel like i never get a fighting chance with you because you aren't the easiest person to get along with, and neither am i; but i am changing that to make me a better nicer more pleasant person to be around. our relationship was four years long and i really grew tired of people asking me a question i couldn't answer ( when are you two getting married) and resentment kept building up because i didn't know the answer, and you tossed the subject aside like it didn't matter.

Do you never wonder why your friends ask me "how do you put up with him?"

This year when i started taking walks by myself because you wouldn't come with me after i asked and asked and asked, i rediscovered i enjoyed walking on the beach. We stopped doing the things we did when we were happy, money or not, i stuck with you, when the business closed, i understood that you weren't going to spend money if you weren't making money, i still stuck by you because i loved you and wanted to be with you. You helped me start a garden that was something i truly enjoyed doing with you and i know you enjoyed the things we grew & still do.  I honestly think if we devoted time to just focus on communication and intimacy in our relationship it could work. we both got comfortable and failed to appreciate each other in a way that fulfilled our needs. I know i hurt you and i keep apologising for that, i feel like the apologies are all one sided  because you never took the blame for anything in our relationship and you made everything feel as thought it was my fault ... there were two of us and one person couldn't possibly take all the blame. I couldn't be your everything and my everything... without neglecting somethings. I had requested your birthday off because i thought it would be nice for us to do something together... but i see how much you valued our relationship and how easily you thought i could be replaced... its painful to feel that i was just a filler in your life when everything i did was to try to make you happy, but everything i didn't do only made you unhappy. I'm sorry our relationship didn't have the balance it needed to work. but that is both of our fault not just me but you too... i feel as though i tried really hard to work with your bitterness, and resentment, and the anger you had for your ex wife, that more often than not spilled into our relationship as insults, fights, and resentment that kept pushing me away but i kept coming back because i knew it was years of hurt that i thought you could move on from. but you never did ... unfortunately you keep running away from fixing you. i wish you could take your own advice and find yourself before entering into another relationship, but you wont because you think there is nothing wrong with you. I still do love and care for you deeply, i just want you to figure out your issues learn from them, and not to carry that baggage into your next relationship.

the centipede...

sitting in my bedroom ... a 10" centipede came strolling in ... i had a panic attack called jeff... he said " good luck with that" and hung up on me ... this is the same guy who wanted to get back together ... i dont know what to think ... he is probably with his ex gf... he turned off his phone .. i texted his daughter and she said he just walked out of the house and didnt say where he was going.

wtf this is the same man who wanted to get back together ...

Having oral today ...

lol ... oral surgery that is ...i'm asking the dentist for the most awsome meds my insurance will cover so i can look faboulous for the gym on monday morning.  The picture shows how i've been rolling for the past year ... now when its removed i'll need a sugardaddy to get me some invisalign to pull my once perfect smile back into place..

Pray for me !

the universe hates me ....

so today ..i didnt see the sexy man at the gym this morning.. had a alright but tough workout... so being bored i asked the universe out loud to send the sexy man into my workplace to ask me out for dinner... shift ends at 7pm ...
at 7:03pm .... im standing at the door waiting for my brother in law to pick me up.. who should pull up but the sexy man... he jumps out of his car, walks in says hello but doesnt recognize me ... WTF ... do i look that bad in the morning with no hair and makeup on to not be recognisable ?

needless to say im devastated...  i cried in the car. ... i am not all there emotionally yet

Jeff called this morning...

Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...

Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

the asshole list

Here is the first member of our asshole list ...

Duroche" <loveschoklat402000@yahoo.ca  also known as sporty fit hunk on sugardaddie.com ... this is a picture collector who lives in toronto near yonge and elington...  

because i wasnt in the country at the time this mofo blocked me.

Pot ... interesting guy

Mr Halifax... asked me last night about my past sugar relationships and what i might possibly want from this one. I told him i was tired of being the other woman, sugar relationships take a toll on ones emotions as you find that you have been with this person but their wife gets all the benefits of them. so he asked me if i was looking for a sugar husband... I said yes i am ..he told me its a good idea, and he would like to have a special someone who could meet his needs and take control of his life outside of work for him. I'd like to be that someone, he is sexy ... he's got a Ted from how i met your mother thing going for him; intelligent, dresses well, and loves curvy black women who have too many shoes. I'm looking forward to meeting him, hopefully the chemistry is there.

Today's redeeming factor...

Sat on SD.com this week just to get my mind off Jeff and our break up, and I receive an email from a pot. I read his profile .. no pic ... but liked what I read, he is obviously well educated by his email. He actually read my profile, Thought I was gorgeous and is interested in coming down to meet me. We emailed back and forth all of yesterday, and the larger part of today. It was so nice to have a conversation that was intellectual peppered with flirtation, innuendo, economics and humour. He sent me a photo of him and my mind has been blown... this man is sexy, yes very sexy & is a good dresser.  Is this what i have been missing all this while ?

Yay ! the hopeless romantic in me is thinking this could be a great friendship if not more.

Passion fruit

Things are looking up & the universe is hearing me.

eye tag

So ... Hot sexy at the gym ... we keep playing eye contact tag ... I see him looking, he catches me looking, I'm working my quads, he's doing shrugs behind me breathing like its awesome sex; and all the while my panties are soaked and nipples are hard poking through my shirt all from just looking at him and listening to him breathe.

Why is it I don't know his name yet ? Why wont he approach me ? His married friend checks me out all the time... there is always tomorrow. maybe I'll find the balls and tell him how intimidating he is.

single

Jeff and i just broke up ... im not really upset... im more releived if anything ... will be posting more often now...

I'm a damn chicken!

I swear I don't know whats wrong with me ! ... this morning at the gym; the sexy man said good morning to me and held the door open for me, and I chickened out. There is something about this man that takes my breath away, makes my stomach flip, and my heart race. I want to tell him, but most days I cant seem to force myself to say anything to him because I feel stupid, and giddy and when looking into his eyes it feels like he is pulling my soul away from my body and exposing the me within. Only because I am dying to know if he has a wife or not... if he doesn't its on ... I really want to catch him alone in the parking lot up against his car so I can fondle him and feel him up... while staring deeply into his eyes. 

Hopefully the universe is sending token lesbian away so i can get the job done.

Passion Fruit