Not paying attention...

Today while sitting at my desk I realised something, we don't always pay attention to our surroundings. I don't consider myself a social butterfly by any means because I do enjoy hiding at home being me in my comfort zone; but I realized I have come in contact with sexy L a few times and barely noticed him and I mean not even eyeball from head to toe, I do not understand why, maybe its because I still thought I would remain faithful somehow to my failing relationship by not looking at people who live on the island... or maybe it just wasnt time to have my eyes open. Recently I asked the universe to send me a great love and a man who understands me and will accept me the way i am and love me for the better me i become; I'm still waiting. I dont know why I have always been in proximity to this man and never bumped into him, the one time I did have a chance to say hi without being creepy I didnt even notice him... because I had bbg on my mind and at the time it was more important to get that first fuck after my break up out of my system, talk about having a one tracked mind and not noticing anything. Any way all this is to say sometimes we just need to slow down, stop rushing through life, and take the time to enjoy the view; you never know who or what you might be missing.


Passion Fruit
Feeling particularly lonely, sexy L is now my Facebook friend but I don't think he is attracted to me. apparently we both have the same sense of humor, and the fondness for house, jungle, drum and bass music. I dunno maybe I need to be seen as someone who is in high demand for some interest to be shown, or look less slutty when I show up in the club.
I'm back on e-harmony.

Mr. Range Rover...

New name for a character in my little life story; the guy I made out with after I kissed sexy L at midnight on New years... we will call him *Mr. range rover* (cause that's what he drives) he has been texting me since new years day, maybe it's the salesman in him trying to keep thoughts of him fresh in my mind who knows or he could just be trying to get a leg over. I guess I'm a player cause the only people on my mind  are: sexy L & BBG...because i don't hear from them as often so that makes me want them more...

About Mr. Range rover,... he is single, he is in sales for a luxury brand, he travels for work , hes renovating his house here and sitting on it, he's not looking for a relationship outside of his bed... if he showed any interest in taking me out on a date or something I might be more into him... but I dunno he's not that good of a kisser, and he claimed he was hard when I was dancing on him in the club up until he kissed me goodnight on my doorstep. The question is: where was his penis?... I'm more just curious about his tongue skills. What sucks is this town is so damn small... on top of that the 3 guys I'm  talking to are all British. Yes small island, smaller city, tinier dating pool... and almost everyone knows everyone so I must stress discretion as I'm a good girl having fun with just & only you...lol. ...Though that's not the case at all ... I'm really just looking for that one person who I could talk to, have a laugh with, screw all night, listen to music with, and still be attracted to them and want to be seen with them all the time. How hard is that to find ? apparently it's impossible.

Passion Fruit

I did something really really stupid ...

I emailed this hot guy i have a crush on ... via face book .. i sent this to him now i feel like a total idiot: Hey sexy, You look familiar where do i know you from. You showed up in the people i may know list.   ... and stalker because i'm going to his club tomorrow. OMG... i feel like such an idiot ....

On a different note:
I tried quantum jumping today ... talked to my doppelganger self who was beautiful and successful I asked her what the secret was, she told me: "let go & stop trying so hard and love will find me" I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean but I guess I do try too hard at everything, and I over think everything and stress about things not being perfect .. but I am not happy with where I am right now, and I need things to move forward but they just seem like I'm swimming in quick sand with all of my goals... so far the only one I made progress with is losing some weight... and even that is kinda ridiculous I've only lost 20lbs I was hoping for 10 lbs a month ... :-(

I'm feeling a bit weirded out by the whole look within ones self for the answers but I guess letting go is the best way to start.

Passion Fruit. 

... just really depressed ... emotional rollercoaster

I love you so much, but it has been a difficult last year, me coming to terms and accepting that i needed to do something about my body, me realising that i wasn't happy with myself and my life, me being in this relationship feeling lonely and unsure of how to express my feelings. It hurts my heart that emotions have to build up for us to express our feelings for each other, sometimes i feel like i never get a fighting chance with you because you aren't the easiest person to get along with, and neither am i; but i am changing that to make me a better nicer more pleasant person to be around. our relationship was four years long and i really grew tired of people asking me a question i couldn't answer ( when are you two getting married) and resentment kept building up because i didn't know the answer, and you tossed the subject aside like it didn't matter.

Do you never wonder why your friends ask me "how do you put up with him?"

This year when i started taking walks by myself because you wouldn't come with me after i asked and asked and asked, i rediscovered i enjoyed walking on the beach. We stopped doing the things we did when we were happy, money or not, i stuck with you, when the business closed, i understood that you weren't going to spend money if you weren't making money, i still stuck by you because i loved you and wanted to be with you. You helped me start a garden that was something i truly enjoyed doing with you and i know you enjoyed the things we grew & still do.  I honestly think if we devoted time to just focus on communication and intimacy in our relationship it could work. we both got comfortable and failed to appreciate each other in a way that fulfilled our needs. I know i hurt you and i keep apologising for that, i feel like the apologies are all one sided  because you never took the blame for anything in our relationship and you made everything feel as thought it was my fault ... there were two of us and one person couldn't possibly take all the blame. I couldn't be your everything and my everything... without neglecting somethings. I had requested your birthday off because i thought it would be nice for us to do something together... but i see how much you valued our relationship and how easily you thought i could be replaced... its painful to feel that i was just a filler in your life when everything i did was to try to make you happy, but everything i didn't do only made you unhappy. I'm sorry our relationship didn't have the balance it needed to work. but that is both of our fault not just me but you too... i feel as though i tried really hard to work with your bitterness, and resentment, and the anger you had for your ex wife, that more often than not spilled into our relationship as insults, fights, and resentment that kept pushing me away but i kept coming back because i knew it was years of hurt that i thought you could move on from. but you never did ... unfortunately you keep running away from fixing you. i wish you could take your own advice and find yourself before entering into another relationship, but you wont because you think there is nothing wrong with you. I still do love and care for you deeply, i just want you to figure out your issues learn from them, and not to carry that baggage into your next relationship.

Jeff called this morning...

Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...

Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

is there any hope ?

I keep reading all the free romance novels on my kindle, wondering if i should believe in romance and love and all these strange but wonderful stomach butterfly feelings that people so fondly write about. I always question whether or not i will feel those things; the euphoria of being madly in love with someone. what does that feel like ? I know how it feels to have someone madly in love with me but i cant say that i have felt the opposite at the same time that they had those feelings.

I keep holding out for the romantic who is just as hopeless as myself.
Where is he ?