I must be growing up...

Today while skimming through a customer service group on Facebook, I saw someone I might know in the people you might know column; we will call her Jenny*.  Being the nosey person that I am, I clicked onto her facebook page to see if she had left her pics open, there were only a few open and I checked them out. The pics were of her & her husband we will call him Wilson* and their baby girl.
Wilson and I used to date; the story he told me was that he and Jenny had broken up because she had a miscarriage and couldnt cope with the loss. The gossip surrounding her misscarriage was that she had an abortion because she was fucking a black guy on the side and had gotten pregnant but didn't know who her baby's daddy was and she didnt want to risk losing Wilson if her baby was born black & not mixed race, either way she was upset about not having the baby. Sooooo while I was supposed to be be dating Wilson she saw us out together and I guess came to her senses and decided she wanted him back. i don't know why ? i'll never know why ...but anyway my birthday was coming up and Wilson had asked me what it was I wanted, and I told him I wanted a mercedes and he agreed to buy me one for my birthday and told me to look for one, so I did. Things were going well enough with the relationship, or so I thought he being a busy expat exec and me being the cute black girl working shifts, then he says he going on a business trip, which is fine for his job. while he's away I left him cute voice mails saying how I missed him and couldnt wait for him to be back blah blah blah.  i will never ever do that shit again... even if i miss a guy i wouldnt its just stupid and they dont appreciate it. While he is supposed to be away on business my sister and cousin decide we are going to go out for cocktails at the square... who should we see Wilson & Jenny all lovey dovey snatched up together, his best friend, and his neighbours who all know I was sleeping with him days before he was supposed to be away on business. The rage from the deepest pits of hell couldnt match how I felt, and I spat curse words at all of them for being so deceptive, especially Wilson & his now very proud housewife Jenny who was all upset and tried to fight me. I begged that bitch to throw the first blow... that bitch didnt have the balls and still doesn't. The people who work at the bar where all this drama happened still remember that epic almost fight.

I hated him for years afterward, I got really depressed and buried myself into my work.  I hated her even more because I wanted that damn mercedes I had picked out for my birthday, and i wanted that fantasy lifestyle and i felt as thought i had it until she came back on the scene. What made things so bad was I actually had feelings for this guy and he lied to me while I was thinking it might have worked. But it didnt so oh well. Needless to say it seems as though they are very happy with eachother and their new baby from the pictures they left open. Funny how I dont have the hatred for the two them that I had 6 years ago.This must be what it's like to mature... I must be growing up.

Let's take a walk...

Last week was possibly the last time i would ever get to see James uninterrupted or unscheduled so i took him to the botanical gardens, I had only been there once as a child and he had never been there so it was a new experience for both of us. We walked around, his arm on my shoulder and mine around his hips; Yes that is how tall he is or how short i am. I love how he makes me feel like so small and tiny and he's just there to take care of things. I dunno .. its just how i feel when I'm with him like i just want to be wrapped up in his arms because they keep me safe and i feel safe in his arms.

During our walk we discussed our relationship...or whatever it is ... I call him my undercover lover, which he doesn't really like but i broke up with my boyfriend before to be with him and his mind was clearly on someone else, then when i got back with my boyfriend he wants me all to himself. .. I dunno ... i love him to pieces but he's doing an open relationship thing with some other chicks in France, new york, and only god knows where so i don't see me being number 1 in his life just yet, and then on top of that hes busy trying to be a doctor.
I had always thought i was going to be lonely for the rest of my life.. just a miserable spinster going to work and filling her time with charities etc..
NOW... Jeff - the boyfriend has returned from his business trip and will be gone again by tonight for another week ... is just super affectionate now. I guess maybe Ive been a bit cold but i think I'm just being with him the way he used to be with me. I gave him my all for 4 years and then i left him because i felt like it wasn't going anywhere, then all of a sudden he's like i was going to ask you to marry me after my divorce is final. 
I don't know if i want to marry him anymore, there's no spark, no butterflies, i don't have any libido with him. I just don't know.
So... I hope whomever is reading about my life is having a better day right now than how I'm feeling.

A baby story...

Just sat on the couch and flipped on the TV.. a baby story was on .. my uterus has collapsed ... I never really wanted kids till i had turned 27... and even more so now that i have met James. My boyfriend Jeff doesn't want anymore kids.. hes got 2 girls and they are both in university... we had the discussion about kids, but that was when i didn't want any ... now i want the mini mansion, the 2.5 kids the family dog and the amazing husband...so i can stay at home and be the amazing wife / home maker i know i can be.
I had never thought that i would have anybody interested in marrying me or wanting to be with me due to my past as a former adult entertainer, but who knows ? after meeting James who didn't care about it at all, i feel a whole lot better about my impending future as someones possible wife.