Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I've lost my balls...

What is it with me these days that has me all sad and quiet... withdrawing into my mind for personal avoidance? Its like my self esteem has plummeted, on the plus side I lost 3lbs. Back to my original point... I don't know what's wrong with me... my personal goal this week was to say hello or hi to the sexy man at the gym, what did I do instead ? clam up, withdraw, look at him with lust n my eyes, look at him directly in the eyes and do nothing... what the fuck is wrong with me ? what happened to the ballsy, don't have a care in the world, no man is out of my league girl that I used to be, or who I thought I was... maybe this whole I need to lose 50 lbs... and not being comfortable in my own skin is getting to my mind... how is that possible for him to be looking at me, me to be looking back directly in his eyes; which by the way I don't even know what color they are... keep in mind I have fantasized about this man in various sexual positions... dreamt of licking him from head to toe, and have secretly worshiped his body from the safety of my treadmill at the gym... yet I cant say hello.  I think I have a panic attack every time I think about saying hello, maybe I should just wave instead... but the thought of that scares me too. How the hell am I going to rediscover the sexy woman I once was if I keep second guessing myself ?

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