today's questions...

These are the questions i have asked myself today... looking for the answers.

What is the secret to success & happiness ?
How is it that i could have a love triangle a few months ago and now be so alone ?
Why do we hold onto feelings and yet still remain rational ?

Just busy....

Sorry I have not been blogging life has grabbed me by the ankle and dragged me around with it, and I haven't had the energy or inspiration to write.
So...... let me update you with what has been going on in my life.. my friends have taken pity on me in my newly single state and have been looking for nice but naughty young men to set me up with, I'm kind of excited about getting back into dating since the pool here is so shallow I'm grabbing at whatever i can. Kiev my besty with testes says he has a really hot guy to introduce me to on Saturday. the first question out of my mouth was; Is he gay.. ? & he better be hot!.. anyway i checked his ass out on face book ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA he is fucking sexy ! I wanna bite him. I'm gonna have to wait until Saturday to bring out my naughty but sweet side.

My BFF... the lesbo.. found lumps in her breast went to the Doctor to have em checked out and now shes having the lumps removed and getting them checked for cancer... she just had cysts remover from around her ovaries last year.. I don't know.. there's only so much crap a person can take when it comes to their body. I'm her best friend and I'm stressing out because i know shes stressing and everyone is on edge.. but we already have it planned that if she has to have her breasts removed she getting awesome implants and i get to feel them up as much as i want.

Passion fruit.

Jeff called this morning...

Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...

Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

ughhhh !

I am not dressing up for Halloween, maybe next year or something. This should have been an awesome Halloween but i am still with Jeff. Fucking no social life! I feel trapped ... I want to leave but living with my mother and sister and her husband is a headache I don't want. plus I have no car so it makes it worse.... I am sick of this, sick of this relationship, sick of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I need a change like now!

Passion fruit

Hopefully I'll be single soon & driving my own car.

feeling lonely...

How is it that i am in a relationship, work around so many people, yet feel so alone ? If drinking didnt make me feel so bad tonight would have been a good night for a bottle of champagne and watching romantic comedies all night, while hold out that prince charming might be out there somewhere waiting for me. Ah.. but i am going home to Jeff who injured himself being stupid yesterday and i get to play nurse/ babysitter... sigh .. Sometimes i wish it werent so complicated this thing called my life

OMG !

I have a follower .. this is so awesome .. Its really weird to know that there is someone looking at my life and the drama i have right now. But its kinda cool at the same time.

☺ Hi !  > waves <

Passion Fruit