the universe hates me ....

so today ..i didnt see the sexy man at the gym this morning.. had a alright but tough workout... so being bored i asked the universe out loud to send the sexy man into my workplace to ask me out for dinner... shift ends at 7pm ...
at 7:03pm .... im standing at the door waiting for my brother in law to pick me up.. who should pull up but the sexy man... he jumps out of his car, walks in says hello but doesnt recognize me ... WTF ... do i look that bad in the morning with no hair and makeup on to not be recognisable ?

needless to say im devastated...  i cried in the car. ... i am not all there emotionally yet

Jeff called this morning...

Barely edited i just had to get my feelings out...

Jeff called this morning to talk about our relationship... I told him i didn't think there was anything left in our relationship, i need a future, i need to be happy in a relationship, i need praise and encouragement. There was a huge difference in the relationship i had with Jeff compared to the one i had with James... with Jeff i felt ashamed of my body, fat and ugly. With James i felt as if i were the only girl in the world and i had the most awesome body ever... i never felt self conscious. on top of that How are we supposed to have a relationship if he doesn't trust me ? and never will ... on top of that he claims sex with me in the past 2 years was like a transaction... he he didn't buy me something or i didn't get a gift he didn't get sex... that's fair to say... I wanted to feel wanted and appreciated... i like getting gifts.. i like when someone buys me something... he fails to realise when i entered into a relationship with him i was looking for a sugar daddy ... I cant go back to feeling like a caged animal... he doesn't trust me and never will ... and every time we argue he always throws the fact that i was on e harmony looking for a relationship while in a relationship with him in my face... and then when that doesn't bother me he throws my doing porn in my face... why would i want to go back to that ? ... he and i both want different things... i don't want to live here & he doesn't want to go back to Canada ... i want kids now and he doesn't want anymore children, I'm 28 he's 52 .... it cant work this way ... not like this.. i don't think it will work.. sure being with him makes my life comfortable but i wasn't happy .. and that's the problem right there. I WASN'T HAPPY , I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, AND HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

I spoke to him again

Let me start with ... OMG !!!! He has the most gorgeous grey eyes I have ever seen. I could feel myself getting horny just staring into his eyes as he spoke to me never breaking eye contact, and I barely heard a word he said. I asked him: "What's the difference between wearing straps versus wearing gloves for lifting." He is well spoken, and educated, can form sentences in perfect paragraph form, doesn't use "ah" or "um" he just got even sexier after that... so now I have to ask him his name and if he is single.

Today at the gym I totally embarrassed myself; I had jumped out of the car got completely flustered, saw him in all of his sexiness, threw my keys over my shoulder, started to untangle my headphones while walking in and listening to his almost quiet footsteps behind me, went to swipe my card to get in and I panic for a split second thinking "FUCK !!! I locked the keys in the car again" only to spin around and feel the weight of my keys on my shoulder, so I grab them swipe in and he's giggling behind me. Could the floor open up and swallow me ? I was way too embarrassed to chit chat with him today after that & I felt really fat and unshapely and all around not sexy so I hid on the treadmill the whole time he was at the gym. However his friend (we will call him Mr. Friendly) who is also gorgeous with a great body waved hello & came bounding up to ask me if a hurricane was headed our way... Too bad I couldn't tell him I was too busy staring at the sexy man (SWAT) instead of watching a hurricane advisory..lol. I'm so stupid though, I should have asked his friend if he was married.

Passion fruit

p.s. feeling a little better now that i have some makeup, and some figure flattering clothes on

damn wagon ... bumpy rides...

So recently i tried to jump back on the sugar daddy wagon... its really disheartening to know that men are so shallow ... i really don't want to come off as a bitter bitch or anything but Guys COME ON! really ? why picture collect if you have no interest whatsoever ? the latest guy to do this is a financial consultant with a legit business... i put in my profile I AM NOT SKINNY i have big boobs and a big ass with a well defined waist ... these mother fuckers clearly think I'm some video vixen i guess and want to collect pics ... so as soon as i send my pics he disappears offline no contact no response nothing... like really wtf .. YOU SENT ME AN EMAIL FIRST !

to veer off topic i have met some really nice OLDER ( 50+) gentlemen on sd.com who are very nice but i don't know.. we'll see there is this one guy I'm chatting with who is really nice ... so much a boob man.. claims he has big hands but i hope he has a big wallet cause momma needs so new shoes & a car & to buy some property... etc

to skirt around looking for pics to send i think its time i create an online persona face book page where its there and i can have professional pics up there .. for the photo hoarders to ogle at.



A pic like this for them to ogle ...



 but its too bad men have become blinded by photo shopped pics and the such. cause i think I'm awesome, and so do the guys at my gym.... now if only i werent so shy to talk to the hot guy .  

Apparently i am someone's motivation ☺...

 To be honest I was already having a crappy day from 5:30am, i dream that i was dreaming and then my alarm went off in my dream, I woke myself up out of my dream listened for a bit, no alarm, look at my phone.. it was exactly 5:30... then Jeff wakes up because i wake up rolls out of bed to go have a piss, makes man noises and comes back to bed grumbling that now would be a good time to have sex. By now i have my panties and sports bra on and I'm thinking this man cannot be serious, and I'm also thinking .. i don't wanna have sex right now... I'm gonna get all slimy and i don't really want to shower before going to the gym.. needless to say i turned him down got my clothes on and went to the gym... HOT SWAT showed up after 7am... almost gave me a heart attack... i was like this --> <---- close to talking to him today but right when i would have gone over to ask him about increasing my upper body strength right in the middle of my leg workout on the seated squat machine this guy comes up to me gushing about what a motivation i am to his girlfriend, and how i need to crank it to the next level instead of cruising on the treadmill... WTF DUDE ! ... first of all i cruise on the treadmill so i don't have a heart attack or heart failure, second: while I'm flattered that he and she see me in the gym everyday technically i am only there for my own sanity, to keep my sex drive primed since if i don't go to the gym i will become a porn watching masturbating couch potato who lives at home with her mother... and thirdly: my main motivation is to watch the hot guy work out and silently perv on him...hehehe OH! he's so sexy... i might have to have some liquid courage to tell him i think hes sexy... or locate my balls, which I'm sure are somewhere deep up my ass... That's just my morning before 8am... When i get home Jeff isn't up yet, so i go looking for him and hes still in bed and I'm like: OK are we gonna have sex now? ( just so i can get it out of the way and i don't have to hear how hes going on his business trip and i didn't fuck him before he left and blah blah blah, to cut out all the dramatics  he waited a whole hour before he decided on if he wanted have sex or not, i guess he wanted me to turn him on or something.)  I'm sure you guys can sense my enthusiasm for this ... i don't even know how to put it nicely... he doesn't turn me on! he wants me to go to the gym because i am getting to the size he doesn't find attractive, then he wants to have sex, when i do go to the gym and I'm too fucking tired to have sex he gets all mad and upset, he doesn't entertain me, but will get upset because i use the Internet to entertain my self, i hate his friends, and love mine... were whores everyone knows it but at least we aren't in denial.

Am i with him purely out of convenience ? its possible, maybe i should tell him get back with his ex, hook me up with a nice guy who can appreciate my quirkiness and who doesn't demand sex more than once a day unless hes super hot! and we will both be very happy.  I cant wait till he leaves on his trip so i can have some peace and quiet, buy myself a new vibrator or 2 and have a good session of self loving. its bad that i wont miss him while hes gone but its like having a child, a big man baby that you should have aborted a long time ago.

Sorry this was so long i just needed to get all of that off my chest. 

Passion Fruit.  

I've lost my balls...

What is it with me these days that has me all sad and quiet... withdrawing into my mind for personal avoidance? Its like my self esteem has plummeted, on the plus side I lost 3lbs. Back to my original point... I don't know what's wrong with me... my personal goal this week was to say hello or hi to the sexy man at the gym, what did I do instead ? clam up, withdraw, look at him with lust n my eyes, look at him directly in the eyes and do nothing... what the fuck is wrong with me ? what happened to the ballsy, don't have a care in the world, no man is out of my league girl that I used to be, or who I thought I was... maybe this whole I need to lose 50 lbs... and not being comfortable in my own skin is getting to my mind... how is that possible for him to be looking at me, me to be looking back directly in his eyes; which by the way I don't even know what color they are... keep in mind I have fantasized about this man in various sexual positions... dreamt of licking him from head to toe, and have secretly worshiped his body from the safety of my treadmill at the gym... yet I cant say hello.  I think I have a panic attack every time I think about saying hello, maybe I should just wave instead... but the thought of that scares me too. How the hell am I going to rediscover the sexy woman I once was if I keep second guessing myself ?