... just really depressed ... emotional rollercoaster

I love you so much, but it has been a difficult last year, me coming to terms and accepting that i needed to do something about my body, me realising that i wasn't happy with myself and my life, me being in this relationship feeling lonely and unsure of how to express my feelings. It hurts my heart that emotions have to build up for us to express our feelings for each other, sometimes i feel like i never get a fighting chance with you because you aren't the easiest person to get along with, and neither am i; but i am changing that to make me a better nicer more pleasant person to be around. our relationship was four years long and i really grew tired of people asking me a question i couldn't answer ( when are you two getting married) and resentment kept building up because i didn't know the answer, and you tossed the subject aside like it didn't matter.

Do you never wonder why your friends ask me "how do you put up with him?"

This year when i started taking walks by myself because you wouldn't come with me after i asked and asked and asked, i rediscovered i enjoyed walking on the beach. We stopped doing the things we did when we were happy, money or not, i stuck with you, when the business closed, i understood that you weren't going to spend money if you weren't making money, i still stuck by you because i loved you and wanted to be with you. You helped me start a garden that was something i truly enjoyed doing with you and i know you enjoyed the things we grew & still do.  I honestly think if we devoted time to just focus on communication and intimacy in our relationship it could work. we both got comfortable and failed to appreciate each other in a way that fulfilled our needs. I know i hurt you and i keep apologising for that, i feel like the apologies are all one sided  because you never took the blame for anything in our relationship and you made everything feel as thought it was my fault ... there were two of us and one person couldn't possibly take all the blame. I couldn't be your everything and my everything... without neglecting somethings. I had requested your birthday off because i thought it would be nice for us to do something together... but i see how much you valued our relationship and how easily you thought i could be replaced... its painful to feel that i was just a filler in your life when everything i did was to try to make you happy, but everything i didn't do only made you unhappy. I'm sorry our relationship didn't have the balance it needed to work. but that is both of our fault not just me but you too... i feel as though i tried really hard to work with your bitterness, and resentment, and the anger you had for your ex wife, that more often than not spilled into our relationship as insults, fights, and resentment that kept pushing me away but i kept coming back because i knew it was years of hurt that i thought you could move on from. but you never did ... unfortunately you keep running away from fixing you. i wish you could take your own advice and find yourself before entering into another relationship, but you wont because you think there is nothing wrong with you. I still do love and care for you deeply, i just want you to figure out your issues learn from them, and not to carry that baggage into your next relationship.

blah .. is how i'm feeling .

My mood is all over the place ... I've got gym in the morning.. and all this unspoken sexual tension is driving me crazy.  I need a good run to clear my head. I also need to grab a paper tomorrow and seriously look for a car... this no transportation thing is getting on my nerves & I need a car before token lesbian leaves.
Tomorrow I am just going to pretend the sexy man doesn't exist.... I am going to ignore my feelings because they only cause me heartache... I wish it could be more... but I cant put my self out there anymore. I feel so much sadness & pain & I really don't understand where its all coming from but I think its best I pull a hoodie out .. plug in my headphones and just zone out like I should have been doing for the past few months.

Passion fruit

sad...