He still makes my heart race and my head go numb. I think theres something just so wrong with me ...

Omg whatever. 

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Guys talking

Guys can be so critical at times,  im sitting next to a guy at a bar who is bitching worse than my bitchy lesbian friends pathetic ... hes ugly and with another guy

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Sigh

So I realize i get jealous which is weird enough for me ... i don't know where these feelings are coming from.. seeing as u was.supposed to have let.go of any emotional attachments to sexy l ... i just dont see it happening .. i probably need some this month away from him to kill any feelings that may have developed

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So sad

So now im sitting in the club ... wondering why im so sad and alone ... such is life i guess i need to get used to it.

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You. Stupid girl

It never ceases to amaze me how dumb the smartest people are... im sitting in sexy l bar and eavesdroping on a conversation motherfucking chicks give us bad names , just being dumb and shit ... i know i only have a high school diploma but my god!  Motherfucker read a god damed book ... knowledge yourself up ... it pains me to listen to an educated young woman who should be well spoken and just sounds like a dumb fuck .... so tragic she is a med student with so much potential and us so socially retarded

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so confused

so sexy l has a crazy ex gf, then has a one night stand who makes it look like they have a relationship going on... then theres me the girl who looks like a love sick puppy... he lights up when he sees me, then acts completeley different other times.. im tired of trying to analyze the situation, i know hes attracted to me but he isnt acting on it ... and i am not going to push the issue.
 cockzilla and i are cool.. we see each other smile and wave as i go by

Words unspoken

I have the pleasure at my job to be the adopted child of many of the older ladies because i carry myself a certain way. I am not loud nor do i brag, i keep to myself & i stay out of office politics. Yesterday one of the ladies asked me how my love life was going.. shes like a much cooler mother type to me she tells me aboout her adventures and i listen, as she explains why she does what she does and how she does these things. so i tell her about my complicated flirtation non friendship thing i have going on with sexy L.. when i describe him to people i think its obvious that i like him and would like to have romantic interest in him but its one sided. ... my best friend told me i need to disappear for a while so he gets interested in me. I just dont get why we have to play these games if there is a mutual attraction there... 2 days ago we sat and talked for 6hours straight.. no date, just a glass of wine and idle, random conversation about everything and nothing. I couldnt be more confused... he says he old fashioned which is cool but im also old fashioned but more straight forward.. im over thinking this.  im gonna let it go.  

Weird night

Omg out partying and wtf Cockzilla sexy l and mr med school all in the motherfucking club. Forming some sort of weird strange sex / love square ..man wtf can it get any stranger

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loneliness

I miss the days when all i did was work 16 hour days so much so that  i forgot i was lonely... I can only hope that i get to work as much again so i can forget that i go everywhere by myself and do everything alone... my friends told me i need a new hobby... if travelling was my new hobby i'd do that alone too... it would be nice to do things with someone i actually like ... like go to the beach and have a really awesome conversation / not or just read a book while vegging just to have someone to turn to and say something completely random to like " i love coming to the beach to watch the waves crash against the shore its so peaceful"

sexy L again...

 i cannot understand this guy.. I went out with my girls last night and i see my crush and give him a huge hug & tell him he smells soooo good ... and he says "i taste good too, oops no i didnt say that" ...so i say oh really? make eye contact for like 5 seconds smile and walk inside the club with my gf.. 10 mins later he positions himself in the club to watch me and has his friend check me out too... all night i catch him looking at me ... so i leave with my friends go to tell him i might be coming back & he tells me to behave myself.. an hour later I get back to the club ... and he seemed excited to see me back by myself anyway club closes and i ask him to walk me to my car and he refuses :-( and suggests one of the bouncers ...I tell him i dont bite and ask him if hes afraid of me and he says yes so i ask why and he says cause of the things i post on facebook.. so i remind him that most of the things he sees i set my privacy settings so its only visible to him ...  wtf ???

Just fed up

I got off work at midnight my house id three minutes away ... its after twelve thirty .. and im still waiting for my bro in law to pick me up ... wtf?  This id what pisses me off with them ... they are never on time to get me but will take forever . And then justify it by saying he don't feel right picking up his sister in law before his wife .... im so fucking pissed 37 minutes late

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sexy L

i remember the first time i saw him... he was so golden .. he was wearing jeans, a dress shirt, and a maroon velvet jacket... i was sitting in the corner of a coffee shop feeling sorry for myself ... attempting to drown my self pity in the caffeine . i glanced up and he was so beautiful he made my heart stop beating, and i stopped breathing and for a split second... our eyes met.. and i burned my tongue on my coffee.

bbg...we meet again

Sigh ... him and his cock... Just plain trouble.  so i went to a birthday party a couple weeks ago.. a nice guy i had friend zoned invited me omg it was a fucking disaster... it rained off and on the birthday girl got wasted and kept announcing that she wanted to leave the restuarant and go somewhere else...needless to say since we all arrived in seperate cars i ditched the entire dinner party and went to sexy l's club .. where i proceeded to drink all alone.. got hit on by some weird looking creeper serial killer look alike then some house wife woma hit on me... then the cutest little canadian guy shows up arm covered in tattoos . lets cut to the chase .... he wore jeans ... just regular blue jeans ... oh they looked so sexy on him and i could see the outline of his semi hard cock in them and it looked like heaven.. so i pretended like i didnt see him all night until he approached me and said hello cheek kiss .. how ya doing, nice to see you, who you out with etc... and as usual im out by myself, doing good blah blah blah... ... maybe next time i see him i'll whisper something dirty in his ear to see if he could hide the erection...

anyway .. i got bored around midnight and left the club and hung out outside with the bouncers drinking water .. and staying out of the rain when bbg walks out of the club and i yell his name and order him to walk me to my car. he seemed happy enough to do so, he even held my pink umbrella for me... lol chivalry in the name of getting laid .. so i drive him to the beach .. and we proceed to fuck in the car

finding that inner peace

I realised something ... Ive been running away from myself, running away from my past running away from who i really am ... trying to change who i am and what i have become. I don't know why i have been doing this and i don't know who the hell i am trying to please either but i haven't been happy not for a while I'm fixing that. last night i went out got completely wasted don't know how the hell i got home ..but i realised something i wasn't horny, or feeling lonely, or feeling needy or any of that i think i might have healed myself in some weird self destructive behavior.

ive had it up to here ... wtf ?

so today i jump on skype trying to get with mr range rover for some mediocre sex ... he has hooked up with someone else ............ wtf ? I'm almost at the point where im like whats the point ? really ? cause i dont get it.. bbg is acting weird.. range rover guy has found someone else to screw ... im sick of my vibrator.. and guess what sexy l has a little gf who is head over heels infatuated with him...

WHERE IS MY PERSON ? 

lost numbers..

So.. monday i got a new phone, lost all my numbers ... go figure bbg's number was lost and im hornier than a rosebush. I cant even watch porn without getting frustrated and irritable.

i felt like rubbish yesterday

last night .. everything that could go wrong did go wrong ... 1st my brother in law didn't pick me up from work on time.. 2nd I didn't wear makeup yesterday to work, 3rd sexy L didn't even recognise me ... , 4th felt like and ugly old cow... , 5th tried to get drunk didn't happen, 6th was supposed to go to a party last night never made it because my bro in law had to go to work at midnight which fucked with any plans i might have had last night...

On the plus side i made a cake, frosted it ... and its now sitting in the fridge ... i didn't eat it. that's the good that happened yesterday, but i learned my lesson, never leave the house without makeup on...

Passion fruit

Not paying attention...

Today while sitting at my desk I realised something, we don't always pay attention to our surroundings. I don't consider myself a social butterfly by any means because I do enjoy hiding at home being me in my comfort zone; but I realized I have come in contact with sexy L a few times and barely noticed him and I mean not even eyeball from head to toe, I do not understand why, maybe its because I still thought I would remain faithful somehow to my failing relationship by not looking at people who live on the island... or maybe it just wasnt time to have my eyes open. Recently I asked the universe to send me a great love and a man who understands me and will accept me the way i am and love me for the better me i become; I'm still waiting. I dont know why I have always been in proximity to this man and never bumped into him, the one time I did have a chance to say hi without being creepy I didnt even notice him... because I had bbg on my mind and at the time it was more important to get that first fuck after my break up out of my system, talk about having a one tracked mind and not noticing anything. Any way all this is to say sometimes we just need to slow down, stop rushing through life, and take the time to enjoy the view; you never know who or what you might be missing.


Passion Fruit
Feeling particularly lonely, sexy L is now my Facebook friend but I don't think he is attracted to me. apparently we both have the same sense of humor, and the fondness for house, jungle, drum and bass music. I dunno maybe I need to be seen as someone who is in high demand for some interest to be shown, or look less slutty when I show up in the club.
I'm back on e-harmony.

fucking range rover...

So I fucked Mr. Range rover, I was really really really horny.. and we ended up talking about fantasies on skype... and the next day i told him to come pick me up and we had nicht so gut sex ...lol it sucked .. he was apparently tired from fishing all day.. and drinking all day.. he managed to get hard one and a half times ... he came too quick for my liking ... so i made use of his hands till i got to cum .. funny thing is ... his body is so boy like... i wanted to ask him what the fuck are you going to the gym for ? maybe he needs to come train with me ... ?

then .. the next day bbg sent me a text about wanting me in a short skirt in the back of my car... I ♥ his cock ...lol

Things i wish i knew when i was younger ...

Never stay with a man who makes you feel like shit.
Do not tolerate abuse because you think you are in love
If he doesn't show interest after you flirt or ask him out ... let it go.
Being alone isn't so bad.

Mr. Range Rover...

New name for a character in my little life story; the guy I made out with after I kissed sexy L at midnight on New years... we will call him *Mr. range rover* (cause that's what he drives) he has been texting me since new years day, maybe it's the salesman in him trying to keep thoughts of him fresh in my mind who knows or he could just be trying to get a leg over. I guess I'm a player cause the only people on my mind  are: sexy L & BBG...because i don't hear from them as often so that makes me want them more...

About Mr. Range rover,... he is single, he is in sales for a luxury brand, he travels for work , hes renovating his house here and sitting on it, he's not looking for a relationship outside of his bed... if he showed any interest in taking me out on a date or something I might be more into him... but I dunno he's not that good of a kisser, and he claimed he was hard when I was dancing on him in the club up until he kissed me goodnight on my doorstep. The question is: where was his penis?... I'm more just curious about his tongue skills. What sucks is this town is so damn small... on top of that the 3 guys I'm  talking to are all British. Yes small island, smaller city, tinier dating pool... and almost everyone knows everyone so I must stress discretion as I'm a good girl having fun with just & only you...lol. ...Though that's not the case at all ... I'm really just looking for that one person who I could talk to, have a laugh with, screw all night, listen to music with, and still be attracted to them and want to be seen with them all the time. How hard is that to find ? apparently it's impossible.

Passion Fruit

2012 ... new year .. new possibilities

So ! .. Bestie Lesbo... got way too wasted at the gay club opening to celebrate the new year with me.. so i had to go all by myself... 11pm my brother in law drops me off to the square .. i do a walk by of sexy l's club .. its empty .. but the waitresses tell me to come back before midnight so i can find a seat...
i walked into the square .. and its packed ... i found one of my black bros hanging with "bbg" ... chitchatted with some random Chinese lady about scuba and then "bbg" tells me how he really enjoyed screwing he has just been laying low cause he doesn't want all the drama and BS ... I'm like dude .. all i want is sex from you nothing else ... i am not looking for you to be my boyfriend ... he kind of looked shocked then smiled .. then i told him ... i like your cock more than you... and walked away..

went back to "sexy l's" club ... asked if he was inside ... he was ... so i went on the bar had a martini ... and waved to him ..and he said " you should have told me it was you from face book ... i said yeah i was nervous... so before the countdown i asked him if he had anyone to kiss for the new year... he said no and blushed, so i asked if i could kiss him for the new year.. he said yes ... so i leaned over the bar looked him in the eyes wished him a happy new year.. and gave him my most innocent closed mouth new years kiss ever... looked at him again and smiled.. i have a funny feeling there is some underlying kinkiness to him... HE IS SOOOOO GORGEOUS !

while at the bar .. there's a couple behind me .. the husband is openly flirting with me and hes rubbing his hands all over my legs... like what ??? last night was like the universe opened up a can of special sauce for my life and poured it on me...
later that night i see a guy i was acquainted with through his ex girlfriend but i kept saying hello to him cause hes a familiar face...end up dancing with him, and he offers to take me home instead of me catching a taxi ... he was so nice and sweet and i was sooo horny ... we gave this one guy a ride home.. then he held my hand in the car and kissed me ... all i could think of is what he could do with his tongue ... I'm trying my best not to be slutty .. but i wanna know what he is all about ... so he takes me home and we pull into my driveway .. "bbg" texts me happy new year @ 3am ... lol ...i ignore cause I've got a new toy to play with ... we kiss some more .. hes trying to feel all over my legs ... freshly shaved.. and my boobs.. and he kept calling me gorgeous ... i really wanted to sleep with him .. but i couldn't... i m trying my best to be good ..or at least seem like its worth the wait ... or keep occupied until "sexy l" decides he shouldn't be so shy ...


Passion fruit